Imagine waking up one morning and realizing that you literally gave no more fucks for other people’s opinions (me choosing to start this post with “no more fucks” is an example of someone who doesn’t give those). What would that mean for you? Well, for me, it would mean wearing clothes that made me feel good when I put them on. It would mean standing in front of my mirror wearing a crop top with a feminist slogan with my larger than life tum poking out with all of its stretch marky glory (not from having kids btw). It would mean using eyelash glue to stick gems to my cheek because I felt like it. It would mean cursing in blog posts and Facebook lives. It would mean executing programs and creating art, whether or not they succeeded or failed, and - to be honest, doing what I am doing now!
But it wasn’t always this way and some days it ISN’T always this way. I still fight against the opinions of others that shape me: “too fat to wear a crop top” “too fat to be a ballerina” “a creative hobby can never be a job” “You should pose your model this way instead” While it’s easier to bat away the new critics (as I’ve gotten stronger in my own resolve) the opinions I grew up with, have formed some deep belief systems that hinder my progress to becoming the most magical version of myself and when a new critic hits the same pain point as those deep seated beliefs, it brings up a bunch of negative feels. It’s important to know how to handle opinions when they come attya, so I made a list of 3 common ones that show up for most boudoir photographers!
First, let’s figure out what kinda person you are, to figure out which resolutions would be the best for you:
Harmonious Honey: You like to keep the peace, not a fan of stirring the pot, you absolutely hate any sort of disruption even when people are involved in a “friendly” debate. The idea of kicking people to the curb and cutting people out of your life makes you want to throw up, but also you know that if you throw up, it might make someone uncomfortable so you won’t do that either. Probably lots of friends/acquaintances from a variety of different backgrounds. “Everything is fine” is your catchphrase - particularly when everything is burning to the ground.
Protective Patty: You will go to bat for people every single time, but with yourself it is a bit harder. You don’t mind a little confrontation if it means you achieve the results you want, but leading up to it makes you feel a bit squidgy. Instead of unfriending people, you might take the route of telling Facebook “you want to less posts like these”. You are okay to “tell it like it is” but still censors “it” to appease to the people you care about. You think through your responses to people, giving them a second, third, and probably fourth chance and with each chance you engage more emotional labour to “help them understand.” You understand that everyone is doing the best they can with where they are at, BUT you also recognize when it’s a problem - it just takes a wee bit longer to take action. Your catchphrase might be “I can understand how you’d feel like that….” followed with the thought ‘But that doesn’t mean I have to allow it.’
BanHammer Betty: You give 0 shits and have an incredibly low tolerance for people who behave like dicks. You rarely allow second chances, and only if YOU didn’t set the appropriate expectations first, BUT chances are you DID set the appropriate expectations up front. What you see is what you get. If they don’t like it, they can fuck off. Your catchphrase is “BYEEEEEEEEEE” as you send them off. That being said, while your action is swift and deadly, it can come at the expense of questioning yourself : Was I too mean? I should be more empathetic…. Nah, who are we kidding - you know your response was right. Boundaries are built for a reason.
You might be one of these more than another, or you might be one of these with certain people and another version with other people and that is okay. This just helps you understand how to move forward in way that is “slightly” more comfortable for you.
“I DON’T SEE WHY YOU HAVE TO SHOOT NUDE PEOPLE….”
If you can’t post about your livelihood of being a boudoir photographer on YOUR social media because Uncle Jerry will not approve or grandma “just doesn’t get it” - that is a problem. I assume your livelihood is your passion or at the very least, something that makes you happy. YOUR social media is YOUR place to carve it out however you want and this means setting appropriate expectations with the people that frequent it. You decide who gets access to you and your joy, so it may mean taking action. If you don’t see the negativity, you don’t feed into it - Here are a few ways, depending on your “personality” that you can try to make YOUR newsfeed YOURS again:
Harmonious Honey: I would recommend starting small with small doses of “truth” that you want to post about to test the waters. The people you THINK might have a problem, may end up being your biggest supporters. Once you have a gauge on the reality of the situation, then you can opt to put disclaimers on your posts. If you are afraid that Margaret is going to bring up your “porno” profession at Thanksgiving dinner, don’t worry about it. When people speak unkind about something, it’s usually that they are uneducated on it - use this as an opportunity to tell her WHY you do what you do. Maybe do a post on WHY boudoir is life changing and show a story about someone who can relate to her, so she can see. At the end of the day, she may not come around, but at least you tried.
Protective Patty: If there is someone in your newsfeed that you have a REAL relationship IRL and they continuously comment on your posts things that are not supportive or just bad, reach out to them via messenger and let them know how their posts are coming across. You can say things like “I am telling you this because I consider you a friend. This is how this made me feel…..” better yet, consider having this conversation in person. If the person in question is NOT someone you know or really talk to and they only pop up to piss on your parade, respond with boundaries and education. If they refuse to respect your boundaries and your space, it’s time to block and unfriend.
BanHammer Betty: To be fair, you’ve already done this. But if someone comments something that is not supportive or just wants to be a dick, unfriend, block, and move on. You know you don’t owe your happiness to anyone. (Shit, I will be surprised if you even read this far…)
At the end of the day, while we can take proactive actions to reduce the shit that WE see in our newsfeeds, other people may still have access to ours (unless Banhammer Betty gets in there), so set an expectation with yourself that, if you don’t want to outright block people or have a conversation with them about boundaries around their “opinion”, you will allow them to continue to have opinions about your work (you just won’t engage with said opinions.)
2. “YOU CAN MAKE A LIVING AT THAT??”
Oh my lanta. How many freakin’ times have you heard this in your career? For me, I always heard how “creative jobs are just not a thing” and “you need to have a stable career” and this actually became MY belief system and still something I struggle with today. I have a hard time charging my worth, because I feel it should just be a hobby. I have a hard time speaking about the value of what I do because “It’s not something people should be able to do.” Like, I’m sorry, JACOB, that you are literally trading hours of your life to some corporate dinkus in exchange for some cash for you to blow on cars and drugs just so you can feel better ABOUT trading those hours. Of course, this isn’t the case for every person in the corporate world - there are people that thrive in consistency and stability and those that don’t have the privilege to be able to explore creative avenues - but there are A LOT of people that truly believe that you sacrifice most of your life to make money and then you get to enjoy that money and as a result, they end up not only squashing their own creative dreams, sadly, but also they try to squash the creative dreams of those around them. Despite the evidence of running my business and seeing those succeed around me, I still have to challenge myself against this question. YES. I CAN MAKE A LIVING DOING THIS WORK. So, here are a few ways that you can handle it:
Harmonious Honey: After you do your initial uncomfortable laugh, simply say “Yes, I can and I have been. Thank you for your interest!” Nothing more needed. When you get home, however, and ponder on this thought, remind yourself that you are doing an amazing job and YES you can. Show YOURSELF examples of yourself doing this (bank statements, accounts, client testimonials, etc.) To be honest, you can also just shrug and smirk. Harmonious people tend to not need to boast and show “the proof” - let them think what they want to think.
Protective Patty: I would recommend the curiosity approach and ask a question back. “I’m curious why you think that a person cannot make a living doing this?” and let the critical thinking begin. I think so many people don’t realize just how limited their thinking is and curiosity is slightly confrontational, but it puts it on THEM to do the work. Again, when this happens just have a mantra or something that reminds you that what you do IS a career, it IS life changing and it IS a valuable profession.
BanHammer Betty: After you illicit a very large eye roll, you might opt for some sarcasm “Why, you looking for a job?” or something along those lines. While I don’t think you will take their words to heart, if this kind of statement or belief comes from someone CLOSE to you, you might consider the source and it could still affect you. Stay resilient in your knowledge that what you do makes a difference and don’t be afraid to send your spouse to the couch for thinking such ludicrous thoughts.
3. “I would have made the image darker/lighter/sparklier/insert uncalled for suggestion here”
OH. MY. GOD. The amount of uncalled for criticism in both photography groups and from unwarranted sources is exhausting. I am not saying don’t take criticism, but consider the damn source. When BOB shows up only to give his “advice” and not to contribute in any other way, he can take his “advice” and shove it. The unfortunate side effect of this, however, is if you are not confident in our work YOU ACTUALLY MIGHT BELIEVE THIS SHIT. You might actually consider that @weLLaKShuALLyee69 has some really strong points about your body of work if you are not confident in what you are putting out there. I know, I know, it’s easier said than done and the fact that our brain will hang onto that one piece of horseshit among the roses of compliments makes it even worse. Again, I am not saying don’t take criticism, BUT CONSIDER THE SOURCE. Is it someone you respect? Is it someone who creates work that you respect? Here’s how you can handle that:
Harmonious Honey: Simply respond with “It was an artistic decision to do X, Y, Z.” or if you don’t feel like responding, don’t, BUT make sure you do the self work that comes with receiving unasked for comments. This means repeating affirmations, filling up your cup, and telling yourself that YOU are proud of what you created and proud that you had the guts to put it out there into the world - that is more than most people (probably including @weLLaKShuALLyee69 ).
Protective Patty: I would respond with “I am curious why you chose to offer criticism when none was asked for.” or “Well, when you create your own art you are welcome to create it how you wish - that’s the beauty of art!” Slightly cheeky, but also not wrong. I think by now you can tell this is where I hang out the most. I love the passive aggressiveness (probably because I am Canadian) but also, I am a firm believer in getting people to consider what they say. So many people say shit (particularly online) without anything to back it up and at the end of the day, killing them with kindness is the sweetest “revenge.”
BanHammer Betty: Delete the comment, ban the person. There’s no room here for dumdums and you know yourself and your work better than anyone else. Like water off a duck’s back.
At the end of the day, YOURS is the only opinion that matters and you cannot control what other people do or do not say. You can want them to support you more or want them to talk less, but ultimately they will do what they will do. Understand that in order for you to live your most vibrant life, you WILL end up pissing someone off. Whether it be that you are too successful, not successful enough, too creative, not creative enough, too fat, too thin, too tall, too short, too loud, too shy, too aggressive, too passive, etc.
You are ONLY responsible for YOUR happiness and you don’t owe it to anyone else (yes, even Grandma doesn’t get access to your happiness if she’s being a twat!) So choose carefully and if they aren’t on board with the things that bring you true, soulful joy, then they do not get the PRIVILEGE of having access to it.
Watch this epic video of Brene Brown talking about critics and always remember:
OPINIONS ARE LIKE ASSHOLES, EVERYONE HAS ONE.
If any of this resonates with you or helps you, please share your story in the comments below! I want to hear from you!!!
