The last few months have made me become quite introspective on the motivation behind a lot of my behaviors and realizing that some of my behaviors do not serve to make me the person I want to be/be remembered for. I realized that while yes, I am practicing a lot of self growth and love towards myself, I still have weaknesses (sorry - areas of opportunity) that need to be considered and worked through. One of these areas is my lack of comfort around telling/showing people I love them in a visceral way. I always chalked up my not wanting to hug/lack of desire for physical affection as just not being my “love language” but the more I consider it, I think a lot of it stems from trust issues and not feeling safe. While I haven’t quite cracked the entire code on this feeling, I think it’s something I need to explore. Aside from my husband, I feel awkward hugging people unless I know it’s required strategically as a social norm, but even then it isn’t a feel good, energy transfer hug - it is a “this is what we do at this point in the interaction” kinda hug.
There are plenty of people who have gotten through my walls and DESERVE a hug from me, but I still find it incredibly awkward and uncomfortable - almost like I have told myself I don’t deserve the physical affection. It’s like I am weak for needing it. But humans crave physical connection at least in small capacities. Now, I know there are a lot of people who don’t like hugs/hugging/touching/ etc. and that’s totally fine, I am just trying to see if the uncomfortablness I associate with mine stems from something deeper. I was hugged as a child, I love having my hair played with, and I enjoy massages (relatively painful ones) - but to hug my sister after she’s had me over for dinner, is weird. To hug my brother when I leave the farm, is weird. Even to hug my mom is weird and out of the norm. It’s almost like I have made such a big deal out of being strong and independent that I cannot allow someone to see me want affection or connection because it would make them think less of me - BUT I KNOW THAT ISN’T TRUE.
In addition to physical affection, I have an equally hard time SAYING the things I feel to the people I love. I have no problem telling my internet humans that I love and see them - but when it’s the people closest to me, I ASSUME that they know how I feel or else they wouldn’t be as close to me as they are - BUT THAT ISN’T FAIR. Nobody can mind read AND everyone appreciates someone close to them saying they are proud, love them, etc. I recognize this is a weakness I have, and therefore, this is something I want to get better at doing.
I realize that part of why it's hard for me to vocalize my love and appreciation for others is because I have/had a hard time accepting it for myself (from others). While I am pretty self assured, I have come to realize that part of why I brush off the nice things people say to me is because a) if I believe it then I have to live up to the responsibility of it b) we’ve been told to be modest and good girls aren’t prideful and c) (this is the real kicker) due to being bullied as a child, I don’t think I want to trust what people are saying. After being burned a few times being “naive” or blindly trusting people at their word and then having them turn around and use it against you can create some really big trust issues and for me, I see it manifesting in how I let people in, but still keep them a wee bit away.
In an effort to work on this inability to show affection, I came up with a little mad-lib style activity for Jill and I to do while we were at the cabin. (She is also like me in this regard!) I wrote out the beginning of the statements and then Jill and I filled in the blanks…....THEN WE READ THEM OUT LOUD TO EACH OTHER WHILE MAKING EYE CONTACT. It was incredibly uncomfortable, but it made me feel good to let Jill know all the things I truly feel about her. In doing this activity, however, we both realized that while it was good to have an opportunity to let the other person know how we felt, the most uncomfortable part came from receiving. For many empaths, it is 100000X easier to give than it is to receive - but without receiving anything, you will have nothing to give. I have included the video below of Jill and I reading our words to each other and you can see how uncomfortable I am receiving her words by my giggles, my smiles and attempt at humor.
To sum it all up, I think it’s important for us to recognize our behaviors and the motivations behind them because then we can take necessary steps to decide whether or not they are helping us be the people we want to be and have the impact on the world that we want to have. I would be sad if people never knew how I felt about them, so now I will say it with abandon (even if it makes me uncomfortable). I would feel bad if people were giving me the gift of a compliment, kind word or gesture and I just brushed it off as nothing, because it ISN’T nothing - THEY TOOK TIME OUT OF THEIR LIFE TO SAY/DO SOMETHING KIND FOR ME. I need to receive with grace. It would hurt my heart if God forbid something happen and I couldn’t have the opportunity to hug my mom, my brother, my sister, my best friends again. So I will now take action to make sure these things do NOT happen moving forward despite how uncomfortable they might make me. I have included the questions I created below, I encourage you to print it off and do this with your partner/family/children/friends/ etc. Don’t wait to tell/show someone how much you appreciate them - you never know when you might not have that opportunity.
