In my 2016 year end blog post, I wrote about how I will never see myself the way I truly look when I look at photos taken by other people, because I ultimately will look like their version of beauty. They will pose me, light me, style me, coach me etc. in ways that fit their reality and help them to accomplish their vision of beauty, but ultimately, it’s not really about me. And I found that interesting, because, after all, I am a photographer who takes images of women, too. Did my clients feel the same way? Did they see what I saw? Were they able to recognize themselves in the images? Even me asking those questions wasn’t about them….it was about me, and my insecurity over whether or not they would like me and my work. DAMN THAT EGO GETS IN THE WAY EVERY TIME. This is why art is so cool and that people can go to different photographers and never have the same experience, nor the same images regardless of the equipment being used. We all try to create art that reflects OUR version of reality….but not necessarily ACTUAL reality. (ps. you are going to hate the word REALITY by the end of this post)
My goal for 2019 is to read 1 book/week and it can be on any subject in any length, but it has to be a book. Well, for the first one I chose Byron Katie’s Loving What Is, an amazing read for those wanting to truly experience freedom from the tough stuff and the torture palace of our minds. In the book she walks you through “The Work” which is designed to help you realize that reality just is. It’s not good or bad, it just is….but the thoughts that we attribute to the reality, THAT is the good or bad stuff.
But it makes sense. You will look at a photo of your friend and recognize her light and beauty and all of the good things you attribute to her, but when she looks at the same photo, she says “Oh ew, no.” Or when you fall into the pitfalls of imposter syndrome, believing you aren’t good enough, despite the REALITY of having booked clients, winning awards, or getting positive feedback. The thoughts that we attribute TO the reality, is what CREATES our reality.
Remember those felt boards you had in kindergarten? We had one that was just green and square and relatively neutral….but as soon as I put a yellow, sun shaped object on it, suddenly it turned into a whole happy summer scene….I believe that’s kind of how our minds process reality. Your thoughts are the green felt square, just hanging out not doing much of anything, and then BAM! Past experiences and emotions stick to it like the yellow felt sun, except for they tend to be less cheery and influence the reality of the situation in front of us.
Well, thanks to our caveman brains, we haven’t evolved past the fight, flight or freeze stage of our evolution, so our brain still likes to twirl around the stress attached to past negative experiences, like dying from a poisonous spider, or being ousted by our tribe….which also caused death. (DAMN YOU BRAIN….HAVEN’T YOU HEARD OF MEDICAL EVOLUTION OR SELF LOVE, MMMKAY?) These feelings are the root to EVERYTHING we feel and experience and regardless of how perfect your upbringing was, your brain is still going to velcro feelings to your neutral thoughts. The good news, however, is that we have evolved to understand what is going on, so we can now redirect the thought processes IF we want to! YAY! Go us!
So, why am I telling you this? Well, to be honest, it’s something I talk a lot about in terms of body image, setting expectations, and dealing with life in general, so this is me processing my takeaways from the book. The other thing, however, is that if you could ease up on yourself, wouldn’t you do it? I would.
The next time you find yourself in a situation where you are mad at someone, frustrated at someone, or hurt by someone, stop and ask yourself a) what is the REALITY of this situation? John C Maxwell said “Disappointment is the gap between expectation and reality” b) Do I really want to hang onto this [insert emotion]? and c) how the hell do I move forward?
Standardly, if we can take a step back and look at all the angles of a situation, it’s easier to empathize with the other party….it doesn’t make it right, but that’s THEIR cross to bear, not yours. NOBODY IS RESPONSIBLE FOR UPHOLDING MY EXPECTATIONS EXCEPT FOR ME. Your job (should you choose to accept it) is to free yourself of the negative feelings that attached themselves to your thought so you can get a better handle on the TRUTH. And despite what Jack Nicholson said, you CAN handle the truth (and it’s better for your mental health if you do).
Next, truly ask yourself (once you take a look at the reality of the situation) do you want to continue harboring the feelings around it? Is it REALLY worth YOUR chronic stress and energy?
and lastly, talk yourself through it. Get curious about why you react the way you do to a situation. Ask yourself “Where’s the proof of my thoughts?” and literally look for ACTUAL proof of what your thought is telling you.
So, quick example, before we wrap up here:
SCENARIO:
I ask my husband to throw something on the stove, so dinner will be ready when I get home. I arrive home and he jumps up from his desk chair and says “Oh! I was just pre-heating the oven.” Inside, I am super ragey and maybe say something super passive aggressive to him, which ultimately makes him feel like shit. I then say “NEVER MIND. I’ll just do it myself then” in a huff, and then brush him away.
WHAT IS THE REALITY:
STEP 1:
EXPECTATION: DINNER WILL BE READY WHEN I GET HOME.
WHAT IS THE REALITY?
MY reality is telling me, he doesn’t care enough about me to do a simple task that I ask and then when I do get home, I always have to cook. I am frustrated with him for not seeing to my needs.
MY reality = I ALWAYS HAVE TO DO EVERYTHING.
Is this true? Do I ALWAYS have to do everything?
He also works all day at a VERY stressful job, he comes home and needs to decompress and tends to get lost in his own world. He does literally every other domestic job in the house: his laundry, cleaning the cat litter, taking care of the car maintenance, etc. so he’s tired =
NO. I don’t ALWAYS HAVE TO DO EVERYTHING.
THE reality = DINNER WASN’T READY WHEN I GOT HOME. (at this point it is neither good nor bad, it is just a fact)
THE reality is that I was very hungry when I came home because I skipped lunch, and I didn’t prepare anything the night before. I was also in a previous relationship where it seemed I was doing all the domestic work and that bitterness velcroed onto my brain. So when I experienced a similar experience, WHILST being hangry, my reaction was a wee bit over the top.
DO YOU WANT TO HANG ON TO THIS?
Step 2: Do I REALLY want to waste my energy pouting and being pissy? (this part is up to you…some people like to hang on to feelings as a means of control) Or would dinner get made faster if the two of us work together? Ask myself what is a stress free reason why I WOULD want to keep harbouring this negative energy? [Standardly the answer is there is no stress free reason why you would want to keep this thought or feeling]
HOW DO I MOVE FORWARD?
Step 3: Turn Your Thoughts Around and Move on!
”He doesn’t care enough about me to do a simple task that I ask and then when I do get home, I always have to cook.”
becomes:
”I don’t care enough me to do a simple task” -> the reality is that I SHOULD have cared enough about myself to make sure I was eating during the day so I wouldn’t be super hangry when I got home.
and
”I am frustrated with him for not seeing to my needs. “
becomes:
”I am frustrated with ME for not seeing my needs.”
What it boils down to: we think it’s easier to get other people to do our dirty work for us, but by relying on that, we tend get our hearts and expectations broken over and over again and those experiences stick like velcro to future experiences.
I can’t control, ask or demand something from someone else without the possibility of being let down. So if I open myself up to the possibility of that happening (loosening those expectations) it becomes a little more stress free because I am not putting all my hopes into a free agent. What I CAN control is myself and taking care of things on my end to ensure my happiness (if that’s what I want!) and while we WISH people would be nice and lovely and follow through all the time, the REALITY, is that they don’t sometimes….so we have to mentally prepare ourselves for that.
And if all of this seems overwhelming right now, that’s okay - that’s your brain telling you it is! The reality is is that it just is. It’s up to you whether you want to believe that it’s overwhelming or maybe create a new feeling. At the end of the day, it’s up to you! Maybe you enjoy believing the beliefs and feeling the feels and that’s cool because that’s all you, Baby! My job is really just to make you aware of a few ways your brain is trying to trick you into reacting a certain way or behaving a certain way or thinking a certain way, when in reality, it’s mostly unnecessary (but again, that’s just my belief…..this shit can go on forever.)
You may think this image is the exact same one we started the blog post with, because that’s what your brain wants you to believe…because it’s a similar experience and it’s familiar.
But what is the reality?
