Over the past few months I have had the privilege of being photographed a few times by a few of my colleagues and I realized something interesting. I realized that every time I received my photos back, I was a wee bit disappointed. Now, before I go further, let me clarify: I wasn’t disappointed in the photographer and the work they created. No, I was disappointed in myself and I couldn’t figure it out, until the quote “Disappointment is the gap that exists between expectation and reality” by John C Maxwell flooded into my brain.
Every time I booked a shoot with or was photographed by a photographer that I admired, I would set my expectations that I would look like the other women they photographed. A big part of me didn’t want me to, well, look like me in my images. So, when the reality hit and I DID look like me, just fancier, nudier, more made up, I was disappointed.
And as a body image activist, this thought concerned me. How could I, TERI BODY IMAGE ACTIVIST HOFFORD, want to look like someone else??? Had I not come far enough in my journey to be okay with who I was and what I looked like? I mean, I constantly post images where I look like myself, either from self portraits or behind the scenes. But then it made sense. My expectations with SELF portraits and behind the scenes was that I would, in fact, look exactly like myself. Because that was the PURPOSE. But every time I booked a shoot, I had the expectation that the photographer would maybe see me differently than I was. But why??? Why did I want to look like someone else??
The thing is, body image issues are so fucking deep that even when you think you’ve done the most to rid yourself of them, they are still there ready to smack you in the face. While yes, I have made progress in my body image and body liberation, I guess on some level I still don’t feel that I possess the beauty that people want. I still have unruly curly hair and I still have an unshaved bikini line and I still have a tum with stretchmarks that came without having kids and I still have facial hair growth. I am all of the things the world deems not good enough. I still don’t think what I look like is “enough” to be photographed. Some deep seated worth-sucking belief is clinging on and if I didn’t have these photographic experiences, I wouldn’t have realized I STILL need to do the work. I STILL need to read the books and practice the words and continue to undo the thoughts and beliefs that lie dormant. I need to understand that there is systemic fuckery that is getting in the way of my healing and I need to figure out how to dismantle it - for myself and for others.
And the ironic thing is that IF the photographers had made me look different than me, I KNOW I would have been absolutely pissed. I would have been angry and upset and it would have given me a distraction from the actual issue of MY lack of self love. I would have been able to blame my lack of body love on a photographer who dared to manipulate me. Then it wouldn’t have been my responsibility. Then I wouldn’t have to do the hard work. But these amazing photographers DIDN’T do that. They captured me as me. They saw ME. They saw ME and said you ARE worthy of being photographed. Your body DESERVES to be documented. YOU deserve to be documented. This is why I went to them in the first place. The other part of me, the part that has done the work, knew this.
Knowing what I know now, that my brain and heart want to straddle the line of looking like myself while simultaneously not looking like myself, I’m able to move forward and set better expectations. I can move forward and use this knowledge to CHOOSE to see the beauty and awesomeness that my photographers see. I can DECIDE that my unruly hair, unshaven bikini line, chubby tum and facial hair are just physical bits, but they aren’t ME. I can also decide to remove the feelings I have associated with those bits, acknowledging that they just ARE. They aren’t good or bad. They just are as they are in that moment. The next time I open a gallery of images and the initial disappointment creeps up, I WON’T shut it down or chalk it up to it being the photographer’s fault, but rather I will be curious and ask that feeling “What purpose are you serving? Are you helping me become the best version of myself? Is this thought helping me to break down the belief that my body, my SELF, is not worthy of being documented or is it contributing to that belief?”
I will continue to have my photos taken by photographers I admire because of the insight it provides. Not just so I can relate to my clients, but so I can also continue to do the work that is needed for me to break past the belief systems that slow me down and fuck me up. Thank you to Alex Charilou, for seeing me and capturing me as I am. I will be forever grateful, my friend.
