Miss T walked into my studio a few months ago as part of a casting call and little did I realize just how much this shoot would impact her. (Ps. if you want to get in on the casting call action, come join the VIP Boudy Babe group on Facebook! We kept the session relatively minimalist, aside from the faux fur coat I bought for Vegas. Being a photographer, Miss T had spent her life BEHIND the camera (as many of us do) and so she was a wee bit nervous to take the leap into this shoot! She had forgotten what it meant to feel like a woman as she slid into the role of Mom and started putting herself on the back burner as so many women do. Enjoy her story, of a Mom taking a chance to remember what it feels like to be a Woman and having her expectations thrown all around!
I answered a casting call of Teri's a while back, and was stoked when I got the chance to be in front of her lens. Actually, no - I was terrified. Anyone who knows me, will think that this is bullshit. I had a brief stint “modelling” I come across fairly outgoing and confident, but truth be told, my life and roles are always changing. So my confidence comes and goes. Lately, its been on the lower end of things. So jumping in head first, is pretty much the only way I can do things, otherwise I wouldn’t ever do anything.
I myself am a photographer, and I struggle getting in front of the camera. My current main role, is a mom to a two year old gorgeous, energetic little girl, and my daily life is lived in pyjamas or sweats, no make up and hair in a messy bun. I often am surviving on little sleep, and since pregnancy have developed more anxiety then I ever had in my life. My body image has changed. Any Moms out there will likely relate. Women’s bodies are amazing. They bring life into the world, and are capable of so many things. One day, I will love my body, find an outfit that looks good, and I feel confident in. Another day, I don’t. I feel ugly, I feel old, I hate gravity, my stomach, my thighs that touch, the bags under my eyes, my chewed nails. You name it, I will beat myself up. People don’t see this, because I joke it off with humour. Even worse, I see this so often with other Moms. “Don’t get me in the photos, just the kids” or “ I look fat in photos, Photoshop it out” Life is fleeting and your kids won’t think that you are fat, so I often encourage women to get in photos with their kids, because truthfully one day - that is all their kids will have, photos and memories. I try to practice what I preach, and do family photos, but the truth is: there is more to me than just being a Mom. I am also a woman, under all the PJs and messy buns, there is still some sexy left. If I wait until I lose my ten pounds or my hair done, or my make ups on, I will never get photos done of myself. I will never take care of me. So I jumped in, not entirely ready or sure how I would feel about any of it.
When Teri replied and set up the shoot time, I panicked, realized that post baby, none of my “sexy” stuff fit, and went to the mall. I struggled with what the F should I wear and none of the stuff out there was really my style. (seriously, I couldn’t figure out how to get into half of the stuff) I eventually decided on something simple, a black tank, and underwear, because well, at almost 31, that's what lingerie feels like to me. I lied to my partner, told him I was doing something educationally related to photography, and off I went. I arrived at the studio, sat in the chair and was brought back to that place that I remembered from being younger. Having your make up done, makes you feel like a star. Teri was great. She was very directive, and knew exactly what she wanted, and made me giggle with her pose directions. The shoot itself, was rather quick and painless.
Due to my schedule and little one, instead of a reveal we did an online viewing gallery. Its weird to admit but I had mixed feelings of the photos, some I immediately loved, while others, I am still learning to love. Seeing myself made up was a little surreal to me, it felt strange. When I came home, I think I took the make up off with in an hour, because I don’t consider myself glamorous anymore. Because of the changes in my body, it still feels foreign some days. But I am busy, and distracted, so I don’t have time to dwell.
I actually sent my fiancee a screen shot of one of the images. His reply was “boobbbbs” and I got SO MAD. Why couldn’t he just tell me I looked great? Why did he have to turn into a 12 year old boy!? Why the fuck did this bother me, anyways? Due to my anxiety, I over analyze everything. So I took a break from looking at the photos and looked at them several times after. Instead of saying what I didn’t like about each one I needed to warm up to, I picked one thing that I liked about it. If I felt less confident about the pose, the hair or the make up or expression looked great. If my stomach was showing and made me uncomfortable - well my tits look fantastic. Or in true photographer geek style, if I didn’t like something I’d look at the light. Ive become a master of faking it, until I make it when it comes to my body image. A lot of positive self talk, and switching perspective. Sometimes, all it takes is a bit of make up and a pretty dress.. but other times, it doesn’t. And that's ok. But sometimes, you have to push yourself out of your comfort zone, which I did. And when I am having a day of feeling less than, I can look at the pictures, and remember that I am not. I can remember that I am more than just a Mom. Women wear many hats, and there is so much criticism in so many forums these days. Its exhausting. You are allowed to be more.
Having people like Teri out there in the world, saying its ok to feel pretty/sexy/confident/bold/
And Miss T nails it right on the head in her last paragraph. "You can think you need the makeup, fancy clothes, etc." and this is the furthest thing from the truth when coming in for a boudoir session with me. I want you to wear what is sexy to you. I have said it before and I will say it again: The less "stuff" you have on, the more we can focus on YOU. In consultations, I always warn people that the makeup will be heavier than you are used to because it is photo-ready makeup and it is not to "transform" you, but rather to make you shine on camera. Again, not every one is comfortable seeing a side of them that has been hidden for so many years, or a part of them that has rapidly changed due to having children, but I think it is necessary to expose yourself to the parts of you that you find less desirable so that you can start to see their appeal. In my experience, the repeated exposure of photos of oneself can lead to a more positive body image and overall experience because we start to see the big picture and don't hyper-focus on the tiny parts of ourselves that are inconsequential. Having photos of yourself look fab, fierce, and confident are a great reminder that A)you ARE still a woman regardless of what life throws at you, B)you ARE worthy of feeling sexy, hot af, and desired, and C)documentation of a somewhat fearless & courageous act, thus further enhancing the fact that you are a bad ass mamajama, capable of looking fear in the eye and proceeding anyway. So, what do ya say? Are you ready to take the plunge and do something your future self with thank you for? If so, hit the contact button up top and let's chat!