TRIGGER WARNING: SELF HARM
I found ms. Chloe on the Instagram when I was scrolling through #therealcatwalk images, images taken during the Fashion Week in whatever city is hosting it (London, in this case) and I saw one of the other amazing models I follow: Khrystyana (from the latest season of America's Next Top Model) with this beautiful girl with a lion's mane of beautiful curls. #therealcatwalk is an event that happens to bring awareness to the "other" bodies that exist in the world and are just as worthy of strutting their stuff during Fashion Week! There are babes with disabilities, babes with body image issues, babes with bellies, and babes who self harm/ed...Chloe falls into the last category. I reached out to her and let her know that I would be coming to London and on a long shot, if she was free, would she want to collaborate and do a shoot with me. Within minutes I heard back. I was so pumped to meet this girl I literally knew nothing about. Fast forward to the day of our shoot and she met me at my teeny tiny little hotel room where we improvised and used strategic lighting to make the room look significantly bigger than it was (I could spin around in one spot and almost touch every wall). While shooting we chatted a wee bit about her modeling career (which started VERY young and was interrupted by her self harm) and we chatted about her favorite musicians and both of our loves for Primark. While we didn't get into the specifics of Chloe's self harm with her, it was evident that she had been through a lot in her young life, but the fact that she was there, on the other side of all of that darkness and ready to give life another go was very inspiring. I asked Chloe to write a bit about her life and she gave me a poem which she created during her treatment when she was diagnosed as Bi-Polar and it is her expression of BPD and how she experienced it. During the shoot, Chloe was extremely professional, amazingly open to creative collaboration with me, and I think she had a good time.
bpd issitting in the freezing cold for hours on end smoking countless cigarettes not knowing where you are or why you're there.bpd isfeeling so empty and emotionless that it's an emotion within itself, the numbness over takes your whole being clouding you're every move with a smoky veil of nothing.bpd isnot wanting to get out of bed because your scared of what you're going to feel today and how many different emotions are coming your way.bpd isnauseating anxiety growling in the pit of your stomach, catching you out at all the wrong times forcing you to retreat into yourself with clammy hands and a heightened heartbeat.bpd isfeeling ecstatic half an hour later, re- downloading tinder for the 30th time even though each time you have it and don't get a quick fuck soon enough, you get bored and scrap the idea leaving you feeling unloveable and dirty.bpd isNothing,And everything.It's tiring and exhausting.It's buying your friends gifts at every opportunity to make sure they don't hate you.It's hating the shell you reside in so much you slice it open just to see there's something actually inside of you.It's paralysing.It's constant.It's always.
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People, in my experience, look at Buddhism as a religion when indeed it is more of a practice, a way of looking at the world. The difference between how our regular selves view the world compared to the mindful approach view of the world:Think about this, every day our bodies wake up, our hearts and brains have been working overnight to maintain a sleep cycle; a steady breath, a constant heartbeat and temperature. The blood courses through our veins in a ballet of effortless survival. How amazing is that? As you sleep, your body is like, “I got this bro, don’t worry about it, you keep lusting after a Channing Tatum in a ballet tutu feeding you pop rocks, and I will keep your brain nourished with oxygen and your kidneys working.” But all we can think about is how terrible our tummy rolls are or how our bum has failed us fitting into our pants.
In a World where we have to run around in bikinis after performing the immense miracle of baring and bringing a human life into the world, a la Karadashians, what if we could wear our stretch marks as badge of honor?What if we could step back in amazement at how our bodies house a little life for 9 months and that they know what to do if we can only be calm and present for experiences?What would happen if we let our partners see us, stretch marks, wabbly bits and all?What if, as men, we allowed our partners to worship our bodies, hairy backs, beer bellies and all?What if we were allowed to express gratitude for this amazing machine that does its best against all odds to keep us alive and happy?
There was a time, and there still are times, when I look at my own size 22 body and feel the shame of sitting in meditation with beautiful thin yoga bodies. There’s been times when I hear myself saying I have no right to be here and take up this space with “real” practitioners. These are the lies I’ve been told and tell myself daily; that real women have long hair and maybe don’t look as queer as me. But the truth is we are all looking out at the world worrying about other people judging us when other people are also looking out at other people judging them.
So, how do I start becoming more mindful of my body?If you’re still reading, you’re probably interested and I found a lot of practical exercises and resources on Dr Christopher Germer’s 