TRIGGER WARNING: SELF HARM
I found ms. Chloe on the Instagram when I was scrolling through #therealcatwalk images, images taken during the Fashion Week in whatever city is hosting it (London, in this case) and I saw one of the other amazing models I follow: Khrystyana (from the latest season of America's Next Top Model) with this beautiful girl with a lion's mane of beautiful curls. #therealcatwalk is an event that happens to bring awareness to the "other" bodies that exist in the world and are just as worthy of strutting their stuff during Fashion Week! There are babes with disabilities, babes with body image issues, babes with bellies, and babes who self harm/ed...Chloe falls into the last category. I reached out to her and let her know that I would be coming to London and on a long shot, if she was free, would she want to collaborate and do a shoot with me. Within minutes I heard back. I was so pumped to meet this girl I literally knew nothing about. Fast forward to the day of our shoot and she met me at my teeny tiny little hotel room where we improvised and used strategic lighting to make the room look significantly bigger than it was (I could spin around in one spot and almost touch every wall). While shooting we chatted a wee bit about her modeling career (which started VERY young and was interrupted by her self harm) and we chatted about her favorite musicians and both of our loves for Primark. While we didn't get into the specifics of Chloe's self harm with her, it was evident that she had been through a lot in her young life, but the fact that she was there, on the other side of all of that darkness and ready to give life another go was very inspiring. I asked Chloe to write a bit about her life and she gave me a poem which she created during her treatment when she was diagnosed as Bi-Polar and it is her expression of BPD and how she experienced it. During the shoot, Chloe was extremely professional, amazingly open to creative collaboration with me, and I think she had a good time.
bpd issitting in the freezing cold for hours on end smoking countless cigarettes not knowing where you are or why you're there.bpd isfeeling so empty and emotionless that it's an emotion within itself, the numbness over takes your whole being clouding you're every move with a smoky veil of nothing.bpd isnot wanting to get out of bed because your scared of what you're going to feel today and how many different emotions are coming your way.bpd isnauseating anxiety growling in the pit of your stomach, catching you out at all the wrong times forcing you to retreat into yourself with clammy hands and a heightened heartbeat.bpd isfeeling ecstatic half an hour later, re- downloading tinder for the 30th time even though each time you have it and don't get a quick fuck soon enough, you get bored and scrap the idea leaving you feeling unloveable and dirty.bpd isNothing,And everything.It's tiring and exhausting.It's buying your friends gifts at every opportunity to make sure they don't hate you.It's hating the shell you reside in so much you slice it open just to see there's something actually inside of you.It's paralysing.It's constant.It's always.
Miss B and I had met a few years ago when she had hired me to do some shots for her modeling career. Since then, she also helped me with my Afternoon Delight series, but then I didn't really hear much from her and when she came in this time, I found out why. The modelling industry took it's toll on her body, her self-love, and mental health. She would find herself in tears time and time again, reliving her childhood experiences of being overweight, but what she didn't realize that the final straw would be the catalyst to her finding her strength and inner peace. I shall let her tell you her story in detail because it is an amazing one and one that young women wanting to get into modeling should hear. So, without further adieu, here is Miss B and her story.
I was a fat kid... when I say fat, I don’t mean “pleasantly plump”- I suffered from childhood obesity. In high school I played rugby. My fat had a purpose, the purpose being to protect me from getting snapped in half on the rugby pitch, to push in the scrum and to crush the opponent. When I graduated high school, I left the rugby world and suddenly my fat was no longer useful to me and I had an identity crises. This was a difficult time for me as I suffered from anxiety and depression, now I had an eating disorder and began cutting myself.
I got into modeling because I was grasping for a new label for myself. A modeling agency had sent me a message for an open casting call, and I took the opportunity. Oddly enough it was modelling that pulled me out of this funk. You can’t cut yourself if you’re a model- there is no place to hide it. Luckily I stopped that shit right quick and I didn’t leave any noticeable scars (mostly on my inner thighs). Now my fat had a purpose again- a new career.
My family thought I was too fragile for the modelling world, that I couldn’t handle the rejection or criticism. But the words I told myself everyday where way worse than anything any scouts would say at auditions. I went to the classes and learned how to walk in heals. Soon I was getting work for fashion shows and print work as a plus size model. Directions such as “tone up, but keep your curves” or “gain 2 inches in just your hips to be more marketable” where ordinary for me.
Then the scouts and agents wanted me to gain even more weight. I know it isn’t something that is brought up about the modelling industry, many people only hear of models having to lose weight, not gain a bunch of it. BUT you can only gain it in certain areas AND you can’t be “jiggly” or “sloppy fat” either.
There were many downright awkward moments when I would go for auditions or even be booked for a job and the clients weren’t aware I was a “plus-size” model. Having to squeeze into a size 2 when you’re a 12/14 isn’t fun. On several occasions designers would cut the clothes, pin the clothing onto me and then I would do my turn on the catwalk praying that the clothes wouldn’t fall off. My last fashion show I was booked for there wasn’t a fitting beforehand. I couldn’t get the dress over my shoulders. I was in the dressing room with 20+ “regular models” and there was a moment when I looked at the designer, and she back at me – in horror – as we hear a rip. I ripped the dress; nothing on my rack would fit me. I didn’t fit any of the clothes and was dismissed because of it. I did the walk of shame passed my friends, went outside and balled my eyes out waiting for my Mom to pick me up. ‘All About That Bass’ was on the radio when she picked me up and I had a good belly laugh about the perfect timing of that song.
I gave it some thought before I quit. I was never the right size. I was too big to be a “regular model” and too small to be a “plus size”. There just wasn’t any work for the size 10-14 gal. I didn’t want to put any more weight on but I knew I couldn’t be a size 2 either. I got a call from my agent for a booking for some print work and I declined it. For this particular job I would have to be a size 8 and I would have to drop a bunch of weight really quickly. This was implied, but never actually said of course.
I was tired of my body not fitting the clothes given to me. I was at a place where I loved the label of model but hated the modeling industry. I was sick and tired of hating myself and the way I looked then having to suddenly flip the switch and pretend to be the most confident woman on the planet for auditions, photo shoots, and fashion shows.
So I made the first step towards loving myself. I quit. I left the modeling world and decided the label I wanted to claim was “happy”. I took a bunch of self help programs and hired a life coach. I took belly dancing to learn how to love my wiggly-jiggly bits. I wrote “I am enough” and “I am Lovable” on all of my mirrors. I started meditating and began taking karate. I got into energy healing and became a certified Reiki Master and Life Coach.
I am happy, and I do love myself. I got my lotus tattoo on Valentine’s Day as a declaration of self love and rebirth- that I will strive to be “like a lotus at ease in muddy water” and not let the negativity of the world/ other people’s shit dirty my pretty petals- let that just roll off me and not let it in.
I decided to come back to the modeling industry because I noticed a trend towards more realistic/ curvy/ healthy models. I want to help empower others and I do miss the adrenaline rush of the runway. I did have fun at photo shoots and enjoy seeing photos of myself.
The industry may have changed, or not- either way I am not the same girl I was when I left the industry in 2014. My daily practices of self love have strengthened me as I strive towards becoming “unfuckwithable”. I want to empower others to challenge the bullshit rules or “brules” of our culture as Vishen Lakhiani would say.
I don’t really have any modelling goals. My goal is to do whatever modelling I can while I am in school to become a Doctor of Traditional Chinese Medicine. My goal is to model as long as I find it fun and empowering.
I have had a love/ hate relationship with this industry but in the end I have no regrets. I look forward to returning to the modeling industry but won’t allow myself to tie my self-worth to the “model” label or what number is on the scale.
“No Mud, No lotus”- Thich Nhat HanhI see far too many models go through this similar struggle and while they appear to come out of the industry alive, many of them have no idea who they are meant to be or what their body wants to be, because they have been trying to fit whatever standard the current job requires. Before girls get into modeling, I urge them and their parents to do research to make sure not only is the agency reputable, but that they actually have the model's best interest at heart and don't just prey on her want for the "title" of model to pay their bills. It can take a toll on a young person, whose self confidence drops rapidly between 10-19 WITHOUT the help of someone telling you aren't good enough, but you COULD be if you lost 1/4 of an inch of your hips and other bullshit like that. I truly believe modeling agencies should provide mental health support for their models to help them build a strong, internal dialogue that helps them in the long run. Worst case scenario, to the young women reading this that want to desperately get into modeling, make sure you have a healthy foundation of self love and internal respect for yourself and I promise your experience will probably be more positive and rewarding in the long run. Thank you to Miss B for sharing her story!!