You have seen Ms. Raissa on my site and social media multiple times, but you have never seen her like this. Usually our shoots involve over the top makeup, clothes, hair, and crazy styling that it seems only this babe can pull off. But like so many of my model babes, she was incredibly nervous about doing a stripped down boudoir session and I have to admit, it was difficult for me to shoot her as a boudoir client because I know the crazy model-y shit she is capable of...but I also knew I had to show her that her stripped down self is incredibly beautiful and worthy of being photographed. I am going to let Raissa tell you more about her journey.
Awhile back I did something really scary. I did a boudoir shoot with Teri Hofford.
Now I know, I have done so many shoots with Teri before. Why would this be any different? Well, for one - every time we have shot together, I got to play a character that distanced myself a bit from who I am in the rawest of forms. No costumes or personas to hide behind. The only inspiration for this shoot - is myself. Going into the shoot I had a bit of a panic attack and an identity crisis. I felt that this shoot was going to be the hardest shoot I've ever done. I'm still not even sure who I am, but by being too scared to acknowledge myself and my body, I would never find out.
I took the leap. One thing Teri and I have talked about is how often I feel that my insecurities and my feelings are invalidated. I have a fairly petite frame, I know. It does not mean that I have more self confidence that anyone. Yet, I can feel ashamed of my insecurities because people will write them off. They don't see how deep those feelings run. I often avoid looking myself in the mirror.
Growing up I would have such bad anxiety that someone might be staring at me. Even during "Oh Canada" at the beginning of every day at school, I would get heart palpitations and have a gigantic lump in my throat. I have struggled with feeling beautiful for my entire life, and how skinny other people think I am, does not make that any less true.
I have felt fat. I have pinched my stomach to judge how comfortable I will feel that day. I have felt too skinny. I have felt simultaneously too fat and too skinny. I have wished that I had blue or green eyes, or prettier eyes. I have felt like a freak in a crowd. I have felt like I'm not good enough or pretty enough.
I have a tendency to put people, including those I don't know, on a pedestal above me. I can automatically see the good in someone else, find someone beautiful any shape and size, or admire them for a specific quality. When it comes to myself, I almost feel like my brain hits a wall. I just can't be that kind to myself.
The one thing I try to be mindful of, is that society teaches us to judge ourselves to keep us as loyal consumers, constantly trying to fill the void of "not enough". And the truth is, nothing you buy will ever fill that void.
Why do boudoir? Well for me, it NORMALIZED my body. Now that may not seem like much to some people, but for me it moved mountains. How often do you avoid looking at yourself in the mirror? How often do you feel ashamed, or when you feel confident, do you question whether you have the right to be?
I gained weight after an injury and a stressful, sad summer. And I thought to myself, "What better time for me to try this out than now? When I need it most. When it scares me most" You know what? Afterwards, life goes on. The world didn't end because I finally acknowledged my body. Everything was fine. And for me, that was a major realization. It moved mountains in my head. I can acknowledge my body more fully, because I know that it is not an "end all be all". There is more to life than feeling conventionally beautiful. It is important to find a way to loving yourself first and foremost.
Raissa and I talk about the different ends of the spectrum and again, the fact that someone who "fits the stereotypical ideal" and someone that is outside of that realm both hate their bodies probably means it's not about the body at all, right? I was so proud of her for doing this, for pushing herself outside her comfort zone and acknowledging her sense of self and what she is capable of. This babe is immensely brilliant, ridiculously kind, and a beautiful soul and hopefully, now, she will realize that the packaging is less important than the package itself. I love this girl so hard and she is always ready to fight for everyone else, I am happy to see her fight for herself.
CAN YOU BELIEVE IT?{ranty post} ~ Winnipeg Boudoir Photography
Mr. D came to the studio ready to kill his session. I mean, can you believe this guy has an eight-year old?? Look at that bod! There's no waaaaay, he's had a kid....no possible way. And 31?? I doubt it. He looks so good for his age.
Do we realize how fucking ridiculous that sounds? I have yet to see this shit on a post of a man. While surviving any birthday and the ability to have children are milestones not awarded to many, I don't think the intent of people commenting these things are thinking of that perspective. I am in far too many photographer groups/facebook groups/and social communities where this bullshit chatter is the norm...in regards to women. Whenever a photo of a woman who fits the stereotypical societal standards of beauty is posted, there is a caption and comments that applaud her for "looking so good after having babies" and "This woman just gave birth and she looks sooooo good".....ummmm....I am not saying don't appreciate the women who fall into the societal standard of beauty nor am I saying don't celebrate the ability of women to have children....I am saying we need to stop saying shit like this and reducing women to their capacity to have children AND maintain a svelte figure. We can appreciate beauty without saying shit like "CAN YOU BELIEVE SHE HAS 3 CHILDREN??? OMG I WOULD DIE TO LOOK LIKE THAT!" It just continues to perpetuate the fallacy that women need to get back to a pre-baby body (which, fyi, is technically impossible unless you are willing to shove your baby back up your hoo ha) Same thing with the age thing...."SHE LOOKS SO AAAAMAZING FOR 65"....MAYBE SHE DOES LOOK AMAZING, BUT IT'S NOT DESPITE HER NUMBER OF YEARS ON THIS PLANET!! When we say things like this, it continues to remind women that they have to uphold a certain look or aesthetic despite having children, getting older, etc. Can we just stop please? Next time you are viewing and appreciating a woman's beauty, try to refrain from using phrases like that. Next time you are having a chat with your friends, avoid saying things like "Omigod, you look so good for just having a baby" or "You age beautifully" and while people may look beautiful and "so good" you don't need to tack on the reason why you are SURPRISED they look so good...it's a shitty thing to do and I assume you are a good human. So, after this ranty post, I urge you to listen to the conversations around you, online and in person, compliment people for their qualities, both physical and not, be mindful of the chatter you are contributing to...oh and enjoy some photos of Mr. D who delightfully shared his life and time with me so I COULD write this ranty post.
But I Don't Want To Have Babies (Can I Still Love My Tummy?) ~ Winnipeg Empowerment Photography
As a photographer that has the privilege of photographing women on a weekly basis, I get to hear about the insecurities, the concerns and the way they feel about their bodies. I'm also a trend/statistic geek, so I enjoy keeping a mental tab on the parts of the body that women detest the most. I don't think it will surprise anyone to hear that the majority of women loathe their stomachs. It doesn't matter what size a woman is, the dreaded tum is the body part that gets the most hate from the most amount of people....unless they are carrying a baby. I have had the opportunity to photograph countless maternity sessions in my time, and women can hardly wait to show me their tums....cooing and awwing over how much they love this bump (which I get because the bump symbolizes what is INSIDE and of course, babies are awesome!). But as soon as the baby is born, moms and women are quick to cover up, squish and rage on their beautiful stomachs. And I get it, change is not easy. You go from being one size, to growing a baby, to loose skin, stretch marks, and an "transformed body" which you maybe weren't prepared for....but what stumps me, is the celebration of all tummies when it is for someone else (the baby), but a shaming of tummies when it's for the individual (because God forbid a woman love her tum [insert eye roll] and you may be the type of person that wants to start in with how concerned you are for my health and the health of other chubs, so if that's you, then kindly remove yourself from following my blog, my fb, and maybe just get a life in general...if that's not you, then YAY! You are an awesome human!)
And then, there are those of us that will never experience the joy of childbirth and seeing our tummies expand because of growing a human being...does this make me less valuable? I don't think so...I pay my taxes, empower women, am nice to humans, and do my part for the environment...I think myself and my tum are okay! But when women come in for their consult they talk about wanting to cover up their tummies...REGARDLESS OF WHAT THEIR TUM LOOKS LIKE!!! This drives me crazy, because first of all, when you are naked at home you will see the truth...you will see your tum as it is: this could be rolly, soft, tight, ab-ed(?), squishy, marked up, loose, swollen, flat, etc. so wouldn't it make more sense to get comfortable with what your tum looks like so that it's not "shocking", as many women have apologized to me about (which btw, bodies aren't shocking to me!)
So, when I was in Pittsburgh, I enlisted the help of my friend Paige Rynberg of Fearlessly You Boudoir to create what we affectionately nicknamed TACO-TERNITY photos. I don't have a blessed baby in my tum (and never want to), but I have a fat tum that is the result of probably too much sitting at my desk + Skip the Dishes food + genes.
Just because I didn't get impregnated with a human being does not make my body any less valuable to the world....just because I choose not to have a growing baby in my womb doesn't mean I can't celebrate the tummy that I do have, that allows me to go about my day empowering women left, right and center. I just think we need to be more okay in celebrating our bodies at all junctures of our lives and not just when we create life, because whether or not we choose to, it's just not in the cards for some of us and to think that we can't have celebratory photoshoots with our tums is kind of silly, don't you think?
Essentially, what I'm saying, is that there ain't no shame in the tum game regardless of what your tum looks like. It's there, it's keeping you alive, it adds about a foot to your height, it's a nice soft spot for cuddles, and most importantly, it's JUST a tum. YOU are more than just a tum. I'm not saying you have to do a taco-ternity shoot, of course, but you should be allowed to document and show off the body that you have right now because it is keeping you alive and providing you a vessel to move about the world affecting others in a (hopefully) positive way. If you are wanting and ready to celebrate your body as is, in all it's perfection, then hit me up with an email and let's document your amazing self!
Your Body Does Not Owe You Beauty ~ Winnipeg Boudoir Photography
Your body does not owe you beauty.
Your body's job is to literally keep you alive, allowing you to move throughout the world in whatever manner you choose. It's not meant to be flawless, it's not meant to stay in the same form it was when you were in your "prime" (whatever the fuck that means), you are not entitled to a body of societal beauty standards...because that is not your body's job.
Imagine yourself at work. Wherever that is for you: it could be at an office, playing with kids, on a construction site, taking care of the elderly, or being creative, whatever. Now, let's assume that you are amazing at the tasks laid out for you by said profession. You show up when you are asked, you diligently perform the tasks no matter how much crap your boss throws your way, you try to go above and beyond in every possible form for your job. Now, imagine while you are doing such an amazing and consistent job when your boss comes up to you every day and says "You are ugly. Why can't you look prettier? Why aren't you stronger? You are gross and jiggly. You are disgusting. I wish you would go away. I wish you were someone else."
I can imagine you wouldn't appreciate it. I mean, on top of all the other stuff you are doing your best at, now you have to look a certain way and you are constantly being critiqued every day?? That would suck immensely and, I would hope, many of us would quit.
Well, you should thank your lucky fucking stars that your body doesn't quit regardless of the terrible things you say and do to it.
It shows up every damn day to do it's best and work as hard as it can to keep you alive and breathing. It's trying incredibly hard to do the tasks laid out before it, but it's still not good enough? Come on.
Your body does not need to be reminded that it's not good enough, when in fact it must be good enough if you are reading this. I am not saying you have to be in love with your body, but you certainly have to be appreciative of the fact that it is literally the only reason you are alive in this very instant. Despite the constant hate, anger, frustration, pinching, poking, squeezing, lifting, sighing, and verbal & physical abuse, your body shows up every day to do it's job to the best of it's ability.
We talk a lot about telling yourself that your body is beautiful. But it doesn't have to be in order for it to be valuable. Why do we have to associate our appreciation for our body immediately with beauty? Maybe we need to take a step back and really think about why we have to deduce everything about ourselves to being "beautiful" as if once we recognize our beauty THEN we become valuable. Maybe we never recognize that we are "beautiful", does this make us less valuable?? Fuck no. We have to realize that ourSELVES can be so much more than just "beautiful".
So, stop expecting your body to fall into a societal standard of beauty that changes every 10 years, because that is not it's fucking job.Your body deserves a break from the verbal and physical abuseYour body deserves recognition of it's talents and abilities at keeping you alive
Because your body does not owe you beauty.
She Reclaimed Her Body ~ Winnipeg Boudoir Photographer
Last year I had put up a casting call looking for someone to let me use ice on them. Little did I know that this session would yield so much more than just the opportunity for me to do something out of the norm for me. Instead, Miss K and I talked about body image and she divulged her experience with eating disorders (she also participated in the Empowerment Project for that). During her session, I could see that Miss K had so much passion and the movement of an artist as I directed her and she made it her own. It was AFTER the shoot, however, that I realized just how much this gorgeous babe was struggling internally. While we had talked about body image, we never really talked about the source of it or the life experiences that led her to that place. When I realized that it was because someone tried to claim her body as his own, this shoot mean oh, so much more. On the surface, this shoot was a fun time, me learning new lighting, posing, and styling, but underneath all that, this was an opportunity for this babe to give herself permission to continue on her journey to healing, self love, living a passionate life, and reclaim the body that is HERS.Here is her story (TW: sexual abuse, eating disorders, etc.)
Please forgive me, as this may be a long and winding road to get to the end of it.
I have never felt comfortable in my own skin - and it was something that I was taught from an early age, between restrictive dress codes for schools and summer camps and the way the other girls would talk about themselves - and others - in the gym locker room. I dealt with (and still struggle with) disordered eating as a teen and young adult. It's been tricky, of course, it's difficult for everyone, but I was making progress on accepting the body I was in.
Then last year, on a warm jazz-fested evening, I was sexually assaulted by someone who I had counted as a close friend, an integral part of my personal and professional community. My progress stopped.
I won't walk you through the gory details, I relive them often enough. The situation was grey in a way that I knew would never be conducive to legal use and justice, so I buried it in my head as much as I could. I underwent the appropriate testing immediately and six weeks after the event, and was thankful to have escaped with as little extra baggage as I did. I started attending an Anglican church service on Sundays, and sometimes couldn't physically say the words, “forgive us our trespasses, as we forgive those who trespass against us,” but that was okay. I was okay. It was over, I was okay.
I saw him again, about a month ago, at a social gathering to celebrate a friend's birthday. She didn't know, I hadn't told her. I hadn't wanted to break up the community, and so not very many people know it happened, much less who was culpable. I didn't know that he was going to be there, and it shook my sense of safety, my sense of okay. I barricaded myself in the washroom, texted my best friend, and cried. She told me that I could stay or go, that either was okay, that I needed to prioritize myself and my safety, and so I decided to stay - to consciously decide to put my own will first. I got lucky: he had left before I came out again, but that decision to prioritize myself lingered, and it was as a result of that that I put my hat into the ring when Teri offered a casting call for a model for a shoot.
I never used to feel completely comfortable in my own skin, but I'm making progress again. I recognize that my body is my own again. I'm learning to love it and to live in it again.
