Last year, I did a creative shoot called Girls Gone Floral featuring the beautiful Chloe Giesbrecht & Jade Michael and if you follow me, you know my taste in imagery ranges from pastel pretties to dark and ominous and everything in between. Well, I wanted to recreate a similar shoot this year featuring 2 babes that I love dearly: Micah Anne Park & Brooke Van Ryssel (owner of My Body Fitness & Nutrition) Paired with the beautiful makeup and hair by Nicole Velasquez, some vintage floral sheets, and a darker, moodier vibe I created Girls Gone Floral Pt II. This one came out much darker than the first time I created it and I think part of that is just kind of where part of my mind has been this year....with extreme highs and lows and perhaps I was editing and shooting this during one of my low times and therefore, it took on more of an ominous tone. When I go through my images there are some where I tried to "force" the softer, more romantic look from the previous year's shoot, but it just looked out of place, so I stopped fighting with what my heart wanted and gave in to creating a darker series. In either case, creatives and art are designed to be therapeutic, so whatever it was that I had to get out, I did and for that I am thankful. Micah's lingerie set is from Adoreme.com and Brooke's is from Forever 21!
Just Pictures ~ Editorial Sessions
A creative thrown together with my talented makeup artist: Kylie Smith and Boudy Muse: Jade Michael
This shoot is a fab example of how you need to roll with it when shit goes sideways. For this particular day, we were supposed to do a summery shoot featuring bright colors, poppy prints, and a vintage flair. However, everything that was planned went in another direction: the sky was less than stellar due to the smoke from the wildfires, Kylie accidentally brought her wrong color kit, and Jade was feeling less than zippy for the shoot. So, we took what we had and ran with it. I grabbed a pair of culottes that I had wanted to shoot in Vegas this year, paired it with a with a basic white crop top and then went for an incredibly minimalist, moody af vibe. Then, I had this sweater that I had bought for camp that I didn't end up shooting, so we tossed it on Jade for some beautiful portraits in the late evening sun as it filtered into my studio. Sometimes, things don't go as planned....we could have fought everything and ended up creating work that wasn't meant to be created that day, OR we could go with the flow and quickly change direction of the shoot and make something epic. In fact, I am so in love with these shots because of their simplistic, editorial feel that it was nice to do something different. Also, working with Kylie & Jade I am NEVER disappointed in what we create together.
She Found Toxicity Addicting {Guest Post} ~ Winnipeg Boudoir Photography
Apparently it’s shocking when a “feminized” woman likes other women, I’m not allowed to have long hair or !? I was already well-aware my body was changing and was working very hard with my doctors trying to pinpoint my overly-fast metabolism and low-energy levels. I was put on a regiment of high calorie intake every 2 hours just so I wouldn’t faint! (Forget working out, I had zero energy!) With troubles in my relationships, everything just seemed to fall apart after I left the toxic work place. Isn’t it interesting how toxicity can be addictive? Because I sure felt my purpose in life dwindled completely after so much was taken away from me, and out of my control.I spent weeks lurking under my covers wondering if I’d ever feel confident again, as everyone looked at me as if I way laying on my death bed - I began to do the same. It’s hard to regain one’s self worth when your whole life you hear from one important figure,“WHAT IS THIS?”, grabbing my hips, “YOUR BODY HANGS OUT OF YOUR PANTS!”To that same person quoting,“OH MY GOODNESS, YOUR FACE LOOKS LIKE A SKELETON!” I couldn’t take the pain every time I looked in the mirror anymore, I feel as if though my aesthetics were the only way people offered help. I turned to social media to post sad things in hopes for guidance, and luckily for me; Teri got ahold of me.Like I said before, I was nervous as all hell to see these photos as it’s been over a year since I modeled, I have never been this thin in my life nor have I never not been able to recognize myself.I was nervous I wasn’t going to like what I saw, I was nervous for the feeling of disappointment my heart would carry if I stared into my own reflection and heard voices in the back of my mind ask if I was “OK”. BUT then I got the Dropbox. With sweaty palms and about two hours of convincing myself “fuck everyone else” over and over, I dove into the album. And ladies;It Was Glorious. That’s probably the first time I’ve taken pictures at this stage in my life (yes even selfies) and didn’t feel absolutely horrified to look at them! I even got a laugh out of a certain shot, because I’m so focused on my diameters I never even noticed the small beauty mark resting slightly above my knuckle on my middle finger. It’s like my SKIN is even saying “fuck everyone else”!As a model it’s my job to work with the team to create their masterpiece, and you can lose yourself (or your aesthetic) in those moments but I find it rewarding to make the vision a reality.Sometimes it’s crazy seeing yourself and being unrecognizable to your own reflection; but you end up learning new things to appreciate about your ever changing body, and it’s great to have this shoot and Teri to continue to burn that into our brains.I hope others are just as willing to see me as “Attieh who’s a wee bit thin right now” and not “Attieh is running to the bathroom to void the lunch she just ate”.If you haven’t already, link up with Teri. Even a few hours of her time can reopen your eyes.If you are interested in telling your story through powerful imagery and an empowering experience, send me an email!
You know how when your expecting a phone call with some “news” but you’re really unsure whether it’ll be “good” or “bad”?Well that’s exactly the kind of anxiety my stomach pitted into waiting for these photos...A quick tidbit - Teri and I have worked together for years and she’s ALWAYS made me beyond comfortable and ecstatic for the outcome. Being a part of her team gave me opportunities that I’d definitely shy away from without her previous support. I even began loving my birthday-suit over anything else I own, thanks to the #BoudyBabes!Anywhoo, back to before...For over a year I’ve been struggling towards the path of a healthy mentality. My previous job wore me down to feeling absolutely worthless, I began putting my boss’ needs above my own: all while being belittled for my efforts, ridiculed for having a mental illness, and mocked at my “lack of weight gain” (just to name a few).Even clients were starting to get super invasive and ask me things along the lines of “Oh my, you’re nothing! What does your doctor have to say??”(Guess what? My employer would just shrug it off.)So, young Attieh who’s already going through major changes in her life, (I finally came out to my family and the world in October!) is starting to feel the pressures of “looking healthy”.
The Calm & The Chaos ~ Boudoir Educator
This past April, I headed to Calgary to teach a workshop alongside one of my favorite photographers, Boon Ong or Figuratif by Boon Ong (he's the one that inspired me to put music to my blog posts to amp up the experience!) I had contacted him last year to see if he would be interested in teaching with me for a few reasons: 1) I wanted to learn from him 2) I knew he was the complete opposite method and approach as me and 3) There are very few Canadian boudoir specific workshops that happen! When I reached out to him, I could tell he was a bit apprehensive about the whole thing, but part of my charm is that I don't give up and I pester with extra emojis and exclamation points until people come play with me, so when he agreed I was suuuuper excited!!! As we approached the workshop day, Boon and I checked in with each other here and there to chat about how we wanted the workshop to flow, what were we each teaching about and just how would 2 seemingly opposite humans create a successful workshop. Welp, somehow we made it work. We booked a stellar airbnb in Calgary, managed to convince 7 strangers to hang out with us for the weekend to learn about the ins, outs, up and downs of our businesses, and helped Boon celebrate his birthdayl! Through the 2 days that we were teaching, I learned A LOT about Boon and was so impressed with the thought that goes into his art. As an educator in the boudoir field, I always think it's important to let my attendees know that there is never ONE way to do things, and by having Boon and I, literally complete opposites, teach together, we hammered this home. We helped our attendees understand a few key things: that you don't need to be an entrepreneur photographer to be a professional photographer, the best experience you can create for your clients is by being 100% authentic to yourself, and of course, don't put yourself into a box when it comes to making art. The thing I like about having Boon as my colleague is his quiet confidence and ability to honestly critique my work....I have massive respect for this guy because every time he puts out new work, I notice something new...to the point that sometimes in the middle of sessions I will stop and say "how would Boon frame this/light this/pose this?" just to mix things up!! I think he is humble in his acceptance of my accolades, but that just makes me swoon over him that much more! Anyways, I hope we will do another Calm & the Chaos in the future!Photos featuring me were taken by the beautiful and talented Shannon Smith of Artist Shannon Smith in Calgary, AB (so you should book her for your session!!) She caught me looking my most professional, of course.
Winnipeg boudoir photography
Identity Crisis {Guest Post}~ Winnipeg Boudoir Photography
boudoir photography winnipeg
TRIGGER WARNING: THIS BLOG POST DEALS HEAVILY WITH WEIGHTLOSS, SURGERY, MENTIONS OF SUBSTANCE ABUSE & SEXUAL ASSAULT, AND FATPHOBIA
I have a confession. I am starting this blog without a hot clue what I want to say.Teri asked if I could share a little bit about my journey, weight loss, skin removal surgery, and my views on my body, and while I am SURE that I have much to say on the topic, I am drawing a blank and the reason why is very simple:Because body positivity is hard. There. I said it.Now let’s jump in:After a fairly traumatic adolescence and early adulthood battling substance abuse (but that’s a whole other blog post, let me know when you’re ready for that one, Teri.) I found myself almost 300 pounds and hating myself. I didn’t do much to address my concerns about my weight, but I spent just about every second of every day analyzing my body, my weight, and what I had done wrong to get it to this place where I hated it so much.Did I hate myself because I was 300 pounds and society had taught me that everything about that was shameful? Or was I 300 pounds because I hated myself? I searched for the answers. Maybe I was neglecting myself. Maybe I didn’t feel like I was worth caring for. I looked around at family members, was it my genes? Maybe I was subconsciously attempting to protect myself from the violent gaze of men after being a victim of sexual assault. Surely, I am emotional eating to mask the pain. OR What if this was a personal failing? Was I just deeply and profoundly flawed and that was the hand I was dealt in life? Is Karma a thing? Is the universe getting even for all the mistakes I’d made? How could life be SO unfair?! I spent years trying to rationalize my shame around my weight. Standing In front of the mirror in tears, pleading with the universe to fix me.It was exhausting.Then through the magic of the internet, I found out about the Body Positivity Movement. This idea that I could be fat AND OKAY?! Well that just blew my mind. This whole other way of thinking was so exciting to me. I wanted to know more. HOW CAN I BE BODY POSITIVE TOO?!I followed all the Instagram accounts, I joined the Facebook groups, I googled the memes, I read the books, I watched the documentaries and to be completely honest,… I didn’t really get it…But oh dear Lord, how I wanted to get it! I wanted to feel okay. I wanted to love myself.So I faked it. Fake it ‘till you make it, baby! I walked the walk and I talked the talk. I shared the posts and I publicly celebrated me. I liked everything I was promoting but I wasn’t sure that I was really feeling it at my core. Years of self-loathing is hard to just turn off. (Am I right?!) Nevertheless, I kept at it. I wanted to be enlightened too.And eventually the funniest thing started happening,… if you surround yourself with positive energy, reassuring thoughts, and inspiring people,…. It becomes you. You become it. Like, actually.I had not realized it at the time but looking back, I wasn’t miserable because I was fat. I was miserable because I was filling my own world with negativity every single day.As the positivity crept in and started taking up all of the spaces that were once full of hate, my whole world started changing for the better.But now that I wasn’t spending every waking moment analyzing my shame, what was I going to do with all this free time?!I decided I would take “fake it till you make it” to a completely new level. I entered a Plus Size Modelling contest for a local plus size clothing shop,… and son of a bitch, I won!I WAS FAT AND I WAS OKAY.Around this time I met Teri Hofford and I had my first shoot with her. I loved her light and her energy and I wanted more of it. I had a BLAST. I started modelling more and I really fell in love with it. Teri’s studio became a safe place for me. I could be who I am, and my body could be what it is, and I never had to worry about anything. Unapologetically naked and unapologetically fat.I WAS FAT AND I WAS OKAY.I started dating again and men liked me. I was funny, and charming, and kind of cute even.I WAS FAT AND I WAS OKAY.I GOT IT! FINALLY! I WAS BODY POSITIVE!As I started to accept myself more and more I stopped dwelling on the past and began focusing on the future and my goals. I wanted to go to the gym, I wanted to diet, I wanted to lose weight!!!…. …. ….. WAIT… What?.... Is that body positive? … Shit. I was stumped.Like I said, Body Positivity is hard.So, I reverted to an old tactic… I’m going to analyze this and I’m going to get to the bottom of it!Why did I want to lose weight?Surely, to be healthy! Yes, that is body positive. And I liked feeling strong and powerful! Yes, that is body positive too. The endorphins give me energy! Yes! I am still body positive!But also, honestly… because I still hated my body. I was still ashamed of my fat.I cannot say this enough… Body Positivity is hard!I went to the gym, I changed my diet, but I also made sure to remind myself of my worth every single day and that that worth was not determined by my weight.Over the next 2 years, I lost 100 pounds. I now sit around 175 (but I don’t pay much attention). I moved in and out of healthy spaces along the way. I balanced the days I paid too much attention to the scale with days where I just felt happy to be me but eventually I was struggling with a new shame. The fat I hated so much was replaced with excess skin that I hated even more.Body positivity is hard.Could I want to lose weight and still be body positive? That one was tricky.Could I get plastic surgery and still be body positive?At this point I was done analyzing, I was going to do what made me happy and I did not care who (including myself) understood it.With the help of some great women who had been there before, I found a surgeon and had my excess skin removed. The surgery involved cutting a 20-inch horizontal incision across my hips and another 10-inch vertical incision up to my sternum and removing 5 pounds of excess skin from my abdomen. My belly button was realigned and the skin from my back and hips was pulled away from the muscles and stretched forward and to cover my tummy. This was not a minor procedure. The recovery was hard. I could not take much for pain management due to my past addiction issues. I could not stand up straight and used a walker to get around for 2 weeks. I was off work for 6 weeks and out of the gym for 3 months. I am told I will be fully healed in about a year.At this point, the weight was lost, the skin was removed, and I prepared myself to fight a new mental battle against my scars but the most peculiar thing happened. I LOVE THEM. These scars represent my strength. They are a reminder everyday of how truly amazing my body is. When I was almost 300 pounds it carried me. As I started fueling my body with nutritious food and self care it energized me and made me unstoppable. It did incredible things in the gym every single day that I wasn’t sure it was capable of. It was cut up and stitched shut, and it healed me. I have nothing but MAD RESPECT for this body o’ mine.Once I was healed and armed with mad respect it was time for another session with Teri Hofford. I hadn’t done a shoot in over a year and working up to shoot day I was nervous, which in itself was out of character for me but I felt like I was a different person and this was my very first photoshoot. I have shot with Teri a lot over the years. She has seen every LITERAL inch of me but that was my old body. This one was new and I was still figuring it out…#identitycrisis. but I walked into the studio and it was the exact same safe place it had always been. One of the first things she asked me was how I felt about my scars and if I was comfortable showing them. HECK YES! “What have you got for wardrobe?”“I’m thinking nothing. Are you okay with that?” LET’S DO THIS! In an instant, I wasn’t nervous anymore. It’s almost like fat Nikita and Skinny(er) Nikita were the exact same person all along (radical concept I know.) And as always, (no matter the size of my body) I look at the beautiful photos Teri has captured and I feel proud.My mind is *usually* a safe place to be now. Rather than feel like a failure or a hypocrite, I accept that body positivity is a process. That it is something I am going to have to work at and that some days will be harder than others. I accept that that I am not perfect. I don’t have all of the answers and that my understanding of what it means to love myself is sometimes going to be lacking insight but I am going to do it anyway.There is so much pressure on women today to look a certain way and to behave a certain way. It can be confusing to navigate all of the expectations. When it came to being Body Positive / Self Accepting, I was still trying to do it “right” in the eyes of everyone else and it took a while for me to realize that it is a personal journey. It is about dropping the expectations and just doing you.As Teri once told me…. The LEAST interesting thing about you is what you look like.
