This year has been a year of chaos for me. It truly is the word I would use to sum up the last 9 months and though I know that there is always chaos before the calm, it has been playing with my mental health quite a bit. I have never been one to have dealt with depression, anxiety, etc. to the extremes that I have this year....and it's not even close to as debilitating as others, but it has been constant and it has been there and it has infiltrated everything, from my personal life to my work. Those of you that know me, know that I am not one to stay in one spot too long, which is probably one of my saving graces when it comes to this cloud of depression that seems to be hanging on, because I don't like to stay in one MENTAL STATE very long either. So, within this chaotic tornado that has been this year, I have been trying to ground myself and cling to whatever science and data I can find to get me back to "normal". The interesting thing about this low grade depression that I've had since probably November of last year, if we are being honest, is that it wasn't like BAM! YOU ARE SAD! Instead, it is a creeping worry, a heaviness on my heart, and a feeling of treading water instead of swimming forward. I'm not sure what brought it on, but to be honest, I am not too concerned with that....rather, I am concerned with how I let it go this far. The answer is easy: ignorance & busyness. Yes. I didn't believe that I could get depressed because I am "living the dream" and I assumed it was for people that were sad all the time. So there's the ignorance and well, if you follow my social media in any capacity you know that I have been like a frickin' inept bumblebee, flitting from flower to flower before being able to sweetly pollinate one flower fully. As a result of this, I find myself caught between 3-4 different worlds, but not actually fully present in any of them.In an effort to erase the squidgy feelings that permeated my soul, I tried to move to new places, hoping it would shake loose and I would be able to be "TERI" again. 2017 Teri. 2016 Teri. Hell, I'd even take 2015 Teri (though she was still stressed out from learning business stuff). But it didn't happen. If anything, my zipping around took even more of a toll...not just on my mind, but also my body, my relationships, and my foundation-ME. With this treading of sludgy water, I feel my feet crumbling my foundation away....but I hope that is happening because I need to build a new foundation - a stronger one.It sounds silly, but I've kind of "written off" the rest of this year. I'm done forcing everything and I am going to ride this wave of chaos, while planning a strategy for 2019. And while part of me acknowledges that that might be as smart as someone going on a diet on a Monday, it is what is keeping me grounded and moving forward...inch by inch. Just use the rest of this year to make your plan.Part of this rebuilding is going to involve a stronger foundation, as up until now I have been trying to build an upside down human pyramid, with me on the bottom. It's now time to flip it and make a foundation comprised of more people to help me do the heavy lifting. I am pleased to announce that I have brought on 2 new associates who are going to help me take Teri Hofford Photography to the next level: providing our community with boudoir at all levels and for all budgets to impact as many people as possible and introducing new session experiences (portraits - yay for keeping your clothes on! personal branding sessions - woot for having a personality! and couples sessions - woohoo for connection!) My intent is that my associates will be able to help me empower the people in my home community of Winnipeg and the surrounding area and this will allow me to travel to do my workshops, talks, and invest more time in Body Image BootCamp without sacrificing the impact that I want to have on the clients in front of me. Anyone who goes into business by themselves knows that the thought of passing the baton to other people is scary AS FUCK.....will they love this as much as I do? Will they care as much as I do? Like I ask all of you to do....I have to trust. If I am going to survive and get back to empowering women with the ferocity that I used to, I know I can't do it alone and for that I have to trust. Fuck that's hard.Another part of rebuilding the foundation of me, is to get back to social connection. Going back to school was the best decision I ever made, but the content is even more impactful. Originally I went into studying positive psychology in an effort to further the impact I had on my clients...but I can see now, that it's no coincidence that it is to help me first. The fact that I learned within 1 day that one of the leading causes of depression is loneliness made me reflect inward. "But, Teri, you work with people all the time!" Yes. WORK with people....I give so much of myself emotionally and mentally during sessions, workshops, and talks that when I am done I am an empty shell....now, this isn't a bad thing....I LOVE to give myself to people, but I haven't been taking the necessary precautions to fill my cup. You see loneliness isn't eradicated by giving to people all the time.....it's eradicated when it's a 2 way street, where you can give AND you can receive. What I was doing, however, was staying in my studio for all hours to stay caught up, blowing off friends and family members to work on "just one more picture" or head off somewhere to teach or shoot....and with that came immense guilt, but also loneliness. Now, don't get me wrong...I still love to be alone: my Teri Time is the shit and I am VERY productive and love it because I don't have to wear pants....I just also have to make time for family & friends on a more constant basis (once a week or a few times a month). Again, this may not be the answer to anyone else's depression, but I know it was something that changed from 2016/2017 and 2018. I used to take my nieces and nephews on "dates" every month, I would go up to my brother's farm every 2 months, I would hang out with my bestie at least once a month and this year I have barely done any of that....I realize that part of my "success" needs to involve family/friends time, even if I have to work at it.The last bit of the foundation that I need to build upon is my physical health, because without physical health I don't have mental health and vice versa. This means moving more, fueling myself with actual food and less Skip the Dishes. It means resting, sleeping in, napping, drinking a shit ton of water, and going for regular "maintenance" check ups (which I avoid like the plague...if it ain't broke, don't fix it, right? WRONG....because it WILL break if you don't attempt to prevent it!). It means going for massages once a month (or more if necessary) and investing in the things that are meant to help me function optimally and taking time for self care.The biggest struggle a lot of entrepreneurs face, is not being able to discuss our mental health issues. I think we feel guilty because we know other people always tell us "what do you have to be upset about? You are LIVING THE DREAM!" and "You chose this path." But while this may be true, what they don't know is that living your dream comes with a price if you aren't careful. When we come forward to talk about the struggle of "living the dream" we do this in hopes to inspire conversation around mental health in the entrepreneur-world so that we can help one another succeed and understand they aren't alone. Also, if you actually know anything about depression it has nothing to do with being upset (as I realized after confronting my ignorance)...its more of a dullness that covers the usual brightness of possibility...it's not intense enough to be really sad or angry....it's just existing, floating, and neutral. So, I am giving myself to the end of this year to embrace the dullness like a thick-ass blanket fort so I can get back to work planning world domination and build my empowerment empire for 2019. Thank you for those that continually lift me up, allow me to do what I do and believe in my mission to help women progress beyond their body image...thank you for trusting me to help you recognize your brilliance and your power and for letting me hel you co-write the new story of the person you want to be.**And thanks to Tori for donning my vintage frocks and playing with me in the forest**
Look At Your Body And Call It Beautiful {Vegas Diaries} ~ International Boudoir Photographer
We are so quick to tell our bodies how much we detest every roll, wrinkle, or "abnormality" but very rarely do we hug the softness, caress the bones, and whisper sweet nothings to our vessel, our one stable home. I headed out to the desert with a bunch of amazing boudoir photographers to celebrate our curves and bodies in all their glory and I managed to get one babe down to nothing. Miss Kristina of Owl and Otter: Soul Artist stripped down to the beautiful outfit that is her body and became a goddess, reconnected to nature. With the full moon behind her, the salt flats laid out before her, and nothing but her strong, fearless body that helped her travel across the world to the point where we would meet, she OWNED everything that made her amazing.
My mission as an empowerment photographer is to reunite women with their natural, goddess-like selves but my goal is to also increase the amount of diverse bodies we see online and in social media to make rolls, wrinkles, and "abnormalities" normalized because we are perfect the way we are. If we see bodies of all shapes and sizes in their natural state, we will look at our own and see the beauty that makes us original. This shoot inspired me to start a project this summer, photographing all bodies in the natural landscapes around us (I will wait until Spring for us Canadians!) and then create a beautiful coffee table book that is not only full of beautiful imagery, but also inspirational in all aspects: the women braving themselves and baring their bodies and souls, a showcase of a variety of bodies to show that there isn't ONE ideal, but rather we are all amazing in whatever form we take as long as we are good humans, and their stories about their journey to self love and authenticity!
If you want to join Kristina in this amazing project (I will be traveling to a few different places this year, so keep an eye out if I am coming to you!!) simply email me at: thpstudios@gmail.com with the subject: I AM A GODDESS
If you are not ready to get nudie in the neighbourhood, that is alright. I simply ask that you take some time to reacquaint yourself with your body. Instead of pinching and sighing in disgust at your softness or bits, simply caress it and decide that your bits are beautiful. As you do this over and over again, you will start to see yourself differently.
You know how we wish someone would tell us "I love you"? Well, your body wants the same. If you can't tell yourself that, how can you expect someone else to say it for you? Look at yourself in the mirror...open your eyes, take a deep breath, and start a relationship in loving yourself. You deserve it.“We all begin the process before we are ready, before we are strong enough, before we know enough; we begin a dialogue with thoughts and feelings that both tickle and thunder within us. We respond before we know how to speak the language, before we know all the answers, and before we know exactly to whom we are speaking.” ― Clarissa Pinkola Estés, Women Who Run With the Wolves: Myths and Stories of the Wild Woman Archetype
She Can't Wait To Do It Again ~ Winnipeg Boudoir Photography
By the time Miss S and I got together, I had already photographed a handful of her closest friends, so while she knew what she was getting into, I don't think she kneeeew. This babe (who can look like a variety of celebrities: Taylor Swift, Olivia Munn, Aubrey Plaza, etc.) was trying to come to terms with her new body (which she will talk about below) and I assured her this was the perfect way to start that journey. I am 100% certain the reason we hate our bodies is because while we think we do have control over them, we actually don't. You can put on as much face cream as you want, dye your hair, eat healthy, and so on, but your body is an entity in it's own and it's going to throw you curve balls from time to time. If there's one thing people hate, it's change....and change that they didn't ask for, which is why it is easy for us to fixate on "fixing" or "repairing" our body when in fact, it's going to age, change, and grow. Our body is a living organism, constantly changing and we fight it at every turn...but why? IF we are aging, that means we are living, and if you ask me, that's a pretty good thing. Anywho, here is Miss S to share her story and experience:
This was such a fun experience to have and I highly recommend it to everyone! Teri is amazing at making you feel completely comfortable and like a gorgeous babe while your photos are taken.
Ever since I had my daughter I've been very self conscious of my new body(endless stretch marks) and this was a great step for me in accepting that my body has changed but is still beautiful . I was really nervous before my reveal because I thought that I would hate to see all of my imperfections laid out for me to pick apart in every photo, but that wasn't the case!
I had a huge smile on my face looking at all of the pictures and I couldn't believe these were my photos! I've gained confidence and enjoyed this entire experience from start to finish and I can't wait to do it again! My favorite outfit was definitely the sweater and socks! I couldn't decide which ones to pick and it was impossible for me to narrow them down.
I am so happy that we were able to help Miss S see the beauty in her accomplishments. Why we think stretch marks are the worst thing on the world is beyond me (stay tuned for an upcoming project about this). Stretch marks are quite literally a signal of GROWTH. I mean, she grew a human life...that's incredible (motherhood baffles me btw...the human body is ridiculous). So embrace the bits of you that are symbols of your hard work, challenges, experiences throughout this journey we call life.