I have been thinking about this for sometime and after having a shower thought, I finally decided to write a post about it. Bear with me because this is deep(ish) material and a little bit of Tough Love with Teri Time. Everything I am saying below, I am saying with love. I promise.
I am a firm believer in the fact that the BODY has nothing to do with body image and how do I know this? Because I had women write to me to tell me their stories about when they felt "inadequate" and started to second guess their bodies and guess what....they were all DIFFERENT sizes and shapes! Some were too thin, too fat, too short, too hairy, too much of anything one way and not enough the other way. The dumb thing about this, is that most of these women's stories started when they were as young as 5 or 6 and as a result of an ADULT telling/teasing them about their BODY.
The problem with body image is that it is all psychological. You don't hate your BODY because there is fat in your thighs, you hate your BODY because someone, somewhere made you feel that you were inferior as a result of this. So you thought, if I "fix" this physical issue, then I will become less inferior. We fixate on our bodies because it's easier to try to become someone else than maybe accepting the fact that we are beautiful individuals.
It's easier to starve ourselves and tell ourselves that life will be better once we reach a certain weight or achieve a certain level of "societal perfection" than it is to process our feelings (ugh....gross....feeeeeelings.) Our weight, our skin, our hair are all superficial parts of our being, but we fixate so heavily on them that we suppress the other crap, the feeeeeeelings, below the surface. The problem with feeeeeelings, however, is that they are very much like a volcano. An insult here, a bit of a tease there, a traumatic event there and then before you know it, you are overwhelmed with emotion and exhausted, so you look to the thing you can control the easiest: your body. For instance, victims of sexual abuse will focus on covering up their BODY, cutting their BODY, and using their BODY as a shield from the rest of the world by gaining weight to make themselves "less attractive" to the opposite sex (in their mind, not mine). The issue here is not that the BODY did something wrong, but it is the thing that can be controlled in a situation where a woman feels she has lost control. Therefore, the BODY becomes the focus and the thing associated with a highly negative experience, leading to an unhealthy body image.
In other circumstances, there may have been an unfortunate childhood of being bullied for being TOO much of anything or perhaps a verbally abusive relationship where you have been made to feel less than desirable and decided that "if I change, than maybe so and so will like me more." The thing is, if you change for someone else, you won't recognize yourself anymore (physically or otherwise). So, again, we focus on our BODY. We get thinner, build a bigger, rounder butt, grow long, glossy hair, wear fake eyelashes, etc. all while despising the natural parts of ourselves that are, in fact, GOOD ENOUGH and perfect enough for us, right??
At the end of the day, everyone is looking for one thing: HAPPINESS (and it's not because PENIS can be heard when you say it....but that probably made you smile.) We want to feel good about our bodies and we want to feel loved by people and we want to feel desired and we want to find our purpose and we want to be successful and all of these things will apparently make us happy. But nobody wants to put in the damned work. If you worked as hard at loving your body as you do hating it, you wouldn't have a bad body image (or at least AS bad), but it does take work and it does take work that is hard. You need to confront the reasons of why your BODY is such a concern and you may have to revisit times and situations that are unpleasant and if you need to, you may need to talk to a professional. And yes, bullies, abusers, and mean people suck (like, big time) but YOU are not responsible for them....YOU can only be responsible for YOU and your reaction. Those people didn't tease you because you were too fat (despite what their words may have said)....they teased you because they were probably being teased or abused and did not have the coping skills to handle it, so they transitioned their anger, insecurities and hate onto you. But that's not on you. That's on them. Does it suck and is it unfair?? Yes, but if you step back and realize where their anger and abuse is coming from, then it makes it a bit easier to brush it off and move on. (It does not, I REPEAT, it does NOT excuse it!!)
Now, call me controversial, but I truly believe that we love to hate our bodies. 100%. It gives us something to focus on, work towards, and an unattainable goal to achieve so voila...there's your purpose. Ask anyone who had a goal and once they achieved it, they were like "Perfect. I'm perfect. I'm good now." You won't find anyone like that because there will always be something that can be different, "better", prettier, stronger, etc. So, we love to hate our bodies because it gives us a purpose....and it's VERY easy. And it's easy to blame all the things: media, other people, the world, etc. but at the end of the day you, literally, are the only one responsible for everything that comes out of your mouth and into your mind when you look at your gorgeous bod. Society is made up of people JUST. LIKE. YOU. Everyone feels out of place and insecure, so why do we blame the blanket term "society" when WE ARE SOCIETY. And media? You buy the shit they sell so they keep sending it back to us. Fun fact, brains have an easier time hanging onto negative shit than positive stuff which makes it easier to sell us on the fear that we might be outcast due to our weight, our hair growth, our skin, etc. Blame whatever you want but you make a choice every single day to love or hate your body and because it's always easier to be negative and say hurtful things. You are responsible for your own thoughts, feelings, and words. Catch yourself saying negative things. Swing them around and phrase them positively. Yes, it's okay to have a bad day, but don't dwell there. Move on and focus on the good, people.
Our bodies are nothing more than just our vessels, my loves. We can hate them all we want, but they will be the only one we get in this lifetime. I would hope that you would run away from an abusive relationship if you could (it might not be easy, but it would certainly be worth it) and this is the same thing with your self-love relationship. If you were in a relationship with someone who constantly put you down and made you feel inferior, think about how it made you feel.....I'm guessing: exhausted, tired, frustrated, sad, depressed, angry, hurt, disappointed, and empty. Now imagine if you HAD to stay with that person for the rest of your life. Think about the compound effect that type of relationship would have on you. This is you having a negative relationship with your body, when in fact, it is not even about the BODY. In the name of all things Valentine, give yourself the best gift and practice some SELF-love by yelling lovely things at that fabulous and dynamite bod of yours.
Vancouver Vixen ~ International Boudoir Photography
Miss J and I had the pleasure of meeting in person finally, after months of corresponding via the Facebook and Facebook group. As a fellow boudie photog, her and I have a lot in common, so I was excited to meet with her! I love learning and hearing from other photogs about their practices and just getting to see people face to face after only know them via their internet persona.
Like most women, Miss J had concerns about parts of her body, but with correct styling and posing we were able to eradicate those fears and concerns and make her look f*ing amazing. Does anyone else think she looks like Christina Hendrix?
We played around in my hotel room in Vancouver and chatted about business and enjoyed a delicious lunch at the Cactus Club. After meeting Miss J I realized how much MORE awesome she is in person than just online (as most of us are!) In addition to running her business, she also has a lovely little family that she loves immensely. She is extremely passionate about her work and she does amazingly elaborate, fantastical shoots for her clients that are super dreamy!
In addition to shooting this kick ass bombshell, I was treated to some beautiful, super moody, rainy Vancouver weather which allowed me to get the rich tones for her session! A lot of people shy away from the dark weather, but I find that it helps me created some amazingly contrasty images which I loooooove! That being said, before she left, I shoved her into the glass shower for a few shots to take advantage of the huge ring light provided by the bathroom mirror! Anywho, enjoy her gorgeous session and if you are from Vancouver and would love to shoot with me the next time I am there, let me know!! I LOVE Vancouver!
e
Stoner Babe ~ International Boudoir Photography
Miss G. was with me for 2 days while I was in Portland! In addition to doing hair and makeup for both shoots, I somehow convinced this babe to model for me! With such amazing bone structure and attitude, how could I not?? And check out her tattoos!
A self-proclaimed stoner babe, Miss G. does some modeling for a local lingerie company called VaVa Lingerie and she had so many gorgeous pieces it was hard to narrow down for her session. I mean, come on...blue velvet?? *drool*
Miss G. professed to me that she wasn't always happy with her body and wouldn't just let anyone photograph her, so I took it as a real honor. I think it's important noting this, because I know there are a lot of women who say "Why wouldn't she like her body?? I would love to be her size!" etc. but what people don't realize is that body image has very little to do with your actual body and that there is no "perfect" size or body standard that needs to be met.
Sometimes, I find that women who don't deal with weight issues (different from body image) actually get the shit end of the stick. Now, wait, hear me out. Women who are "smaller" typically get scoffed at if they mention their unhappiness with their weight, shape or size. This means they internalize it and finder other ways to deal with it, and these other ways are standardly more harmful to their body and mind.
So, what can we do about this? First we can be conscious of how we respond to our friends and family when they mention their unhappiness. Don't just laugh it off, instead ask them why they feel a certain way and is there anything you can do to help. Sometimes just being able to talk about it makes a big difference. Secondly, watch what you say. The body positivity movement means inclusive of ALL bodies so when you see a picture of a smaller woman, you do NOT call her a skinny bitch or assume she has a perfect life. We can do better, my lady friends, and it all starts within. Talk beautifully to yourself and speak beautifully to your friends and family members. Treat yourself and them with care and help them see their beauty, inside and out.
A Mermaid In a Tub ~ International Boudoir Photography
Miss K is one of my Portland beauties who allowed me to photograph her while I was there! This blue-haired maven rocked her shoot with her little preggo tummy and didn't let that hold her back from being super sensual and amazing! Forwarning: There are nippies going forward, so if that isn't your jam or you are at work, I suggest you come back later (or never, if you actually hate nipples that much.)
Miss K. let me dress her in items that I brought from the studio, but she also had some amazing lingerie that showed off her newly acquired *ahem* chest (the joys of pregnancy, 'miright?) She was so effervescent for her shoot and maybe it was her hair or her Portlandian attitude, but she was super magical and laid back throughout her session.
After shooting the lingerie type things, I couldn't believe I convinced her to go out in the rain and get into the very cold (and slightly dirty!) tub to make a magical mermaidian image! The gorgeous lingerie set was hand beaded by our talented makeup artist Gina (a girl of many talents, I tell ya!) and it looked so amazing with Miss K's hair and eyes!
I think it's funny how when we have tummies that grow babies, we love them, caress them and care for them...as soon as the baby leaves, we suddenly have disgust for this amazing piece of our body which literally, changed your world. I want you to love your tummy as much today as you did when it housed your children. It may look different, but it is still worthy of love and affection.
And Miss C Got Her Groove Back ~ Winnipeg Boudoir Photography
After many calls, emails, and messages Miss C. brought her lingerie and a bundle of nerves to her session. We ironed most of them out during her hair and makeup and once we got into the swing of things, you would think that she had been posing for boudoir sessions her whole life. This wife, momma and glorious woman did amazing at her session and I think in return, the session was amazing for her.
I have known Miss C. for a few years and it was important for me to show her exactly who she is to everyone around her. She is a giver. This woman is strong, fearless, but a giver. And you know what they say? A giver need to set limits, because takers never do.
This is something that happens to a lot of women, but I definitely saw it with Miss C. She lost herself a bit in the whirlwind of having children, living outside the city and if there's one thing I know, it's that she requires social activity. She is too sparkly to not interact with people!
Miss C felt everything most women do prior to their boudy babe sessions: fear, guilt, concern, and lack of confidence. She sent me emails about fear over her weight and size and I emailed back "You'll be fine. Trust me." We emailed back and forth for a few months and then, I called her. I eased the fear and put my foot down on the negative self talk. It was time for her to give up control Sometimes that's all it takes....someone saying: "It's okay. You don't need to be in control this time."
Miss C. brought her bombshell game and during her reveal there were tears. We didn't even get through the first photo before tissues were being used. THIS was the woman she knew she was! THIS was the woman hiding beneath the Rider sweaters, the kid's spit up, and the dishes at the homestead. THIS was the woman she needed to be reunited with. And it wasn't the weight she was looking at or thinking about anymore. She was looking at all the goddamned fabulousness and confidence that was bubbling up inside.
Miss C. will always be a giver, because that is just her nature and that is part of what makes her beautiful, but I hope that this session will remind her that she also needs to take time for herself.
Here's what this goddess had to say about her session:"Teri, your work brought me to tears. You told me to trust you. I was so very nervous I would not do your work justice. You also said you would get me naked. You succeeded and crushed any doubt I had. I did get naked and loved the finished product. As did my husband ."