This year has been a year of chaos for me. It truly is the word I would use to sum up the last 9 months and though I know that there is always chaos before the calm, it has been playing with my mental health quite a bit. I have never been one to have dealt with depression, anxiety, etc. to the extremes that I have this year....and it's not even close to as debilitating as others, but it has been constant and it has been there and it has infiltrated everything, from my personal life to my work. Those of you that know me, know that I am not one to stay in one spot too long, which is probably one of my saving graces when it comes to this cloud of depression that seems to be hanging on, because I don't like to stay in one MENTAL STATE very long either. So, within this chaotic tornado that has been this year, I have been trying to ground myself and cling to whatever science and data I can find to get me back to "normal". The interesting thing about this low grade depression that I've had since probably November of last year, if we are being honest, is that it wasn't like BAM! YOU ARE SAD! Instead, it is a creeping worry, a heaviness on my heart, and a feeling of treading water instead of swimming forward. I'm not sure what brought it on, but to be honest, I am not too concerned with that....rather, I am concerned with how I let it go this far. The answer is easy: ignorance & busyness. Yes. I didn't believe that I could get depressed because I am "living the dream" and I assumed it was for people that were sad all the time. So there's the ignorance and well, if you follow my social media in any capacity you know that I have been like a frickin' inept bumblebee, flitting from flower to flower before being able to sweetly pollinate one flower fully. As a result of this, I find myself caught between 3-4 different worlds, but not actually fully present in any of them.In an effort to erase the squidgy feelings that permeated my soul, I tried to move to new places, hoping it would shake loose and I would be able to be "TERI" again. 2017 Teri. 2016 Teri. Hell, I'd even take 2015 Teri (though she was still stressed out from learning business stuff). But it didn't happen. If anything, my zipping around took even more of a toll...not just on my mind, but also my body, my relationships, and my foundation-ME. With this treading of sludgy water, I feel my feet crumbling my foundation away....but I hope that is happening because I need to build a new foundation - a stronger one.It sounds silly, but I've kind of "written off" the rest of this year. I'm done forcing everything and I am going to ride this wave of chaos, while planning a strategy for 2019. And while part of me acknowledges that that might be as smart as someone going on a diet on a Monday, it is what is keeping me grounded and moving forward...inch by inch. Just use the rest of this year to make your plan.Part of this rebuilding is going to involve a stronger foundation, as up until now I have been trying to build an upside down human pyramid, with me on the bottom. It's now time to flip it and make a foundation comprised of more people to help me do the heavy lifting. I am pleased to announce that I have brought on 2 new associates who are going to help me take Teri Hofford Photography to the next level: providing our community with boudoir at all levels and for all budgets to impact as many people as possible and introducing new session experiences (portraits - yay for keeping your clothes on! personal branding sessions - woot for having a personality! and couples sessions - woohoo for connection!) My intent is that my associates will be able to help me empower the people in my home community of Winnipeg and the surrounding area and this will allow me to travel to do my workshops, talks, and invest more time in Body Image BootCamp without sacrificing the impact that I want to have on the clients in front of me. Anyone who goes into business by themselves knows that the thought of passing the baton to other people is scary AS FUCK.....will they love this as much as I do? Will they care as much as I do? Like I ask all of you to do....I have to trust. If I am going to survive and get back to empowering women with the ferocity that I used to, I know I can't do it alone and for that I have to trust. Fuck that's hard.Another part of rebuilding the foundation of me, is to get back to social connection. Going back to school was the best decision I ever made, but the content is even more impactful. Originally I went into studying positive psychology in an effort to further the impact I had on my clients...but I can see now, that it's no coincidence that it is to help me first. The fact that I learned within 1 day that one of the leading causes of depression is loneliness made me reflect inward. "But, Teri, you work with people all the time!" Yes. WORK with people....I give so much of myself emotionally and mentally during sessions, workshops, and talks that when I am done I am an empty shell....now, this isn't a bad thing....I LOVE to give myself to people, but I haven't been taking the necessary precautions to fill my cup. You see loneliness isn't eradicated by giving to people all the time.....it's eradicated when it's a 2 way street, where you can give AND you can receive. What I was doing, however, was staying in my studio for all hours to stay caught up, blowing off friends and family members to work on "just one more picture" or head off somewhere to teach or shoot....and with that came immense guilt, but also loneliness. Now, don't get me wrong...I still love to be alone: my Teri Time is the shit and I am VERY productive and love it because I don't have to wear pants....I just also have to make time for family & friends on a more constant basis (once a week or a few times a month). Again, this may not be the answer to anyone else's depression, but I know it was something that changed from 2016/2017 and 2018. I used to take my nieces and nephews on "dates" every month, I would go up to my brother's farm every 2 months, I would hang out with my bestie at least once a month and this year I have barely done any of that....I realize that part of my "success" needs to involve family/friends time, even if I have to work at it.The last bit of the foundation that I need to build upon is my physical health, because without physical health I don't have mental health and vice versa. This means moving more, fueling myself with actual food and less Skip the Dishes. It means resting, sleeping in, napping, drinking a shit ton of water, and going for regular "maintenance" check ups (which I avoid like the plague...if it ain't broke, don't fix it, right? WRONG....because it WILL break if you don't attempt to prevent it!). It means going for massages once a month (or more if necessary) and investing in the things that are meant to help me function optimally and taking time for self care.The biggest struggle a lot of entrepreneurs face, is not being able to discuss our mental health issues. I think we feel guilty because we know other people always tell us "what do you have to be upset about? You are LIVING THE DREAM!" and "You chose this path." But while this may be true, what they don't know is that living your dream comes with a price if you aren't careful. When we come forward to talk about the struggle of "living the dream" we do this in hopes to inspire conversation around mental health in the entrepreneur-world so that we can help one another succeed and understand they aren't alone. Also, if you actually know anything about depression it has nothing to do with being upset (as I realized after confronting my ignorance)...its more of a dullness that covers the usual brightness of possibility...it's not intense enough to be really sad or angry....it's just existing, floating, and neutral. So, I am giving myself to the end of this year to embrace the dullness like a thick-ass blanket fort so I can get back to work planning world domination and build my empowerment empire for 2019. Thank you for those that continually lift me up, allow me to do what I do and believe in my mission to help women progress beyond their body image...thank you for trusting me to help you recognize your brilliance and your power and for letting me hel you co-write the new story of the person you want to be.**And thanks to Tori for donning my vintage frocks and playing with me in the forest**
Girls Gone Floral Pt II: Winnipeg Boudoir Photographer
Last year, I did a creative shoot called Girls Gone Floral featuring the beautiful Chloe Giesbrecht & Jade Michael and if you follow me, you know my taste in imagery ranges from pastel pretties to dark and ominous and everything in between. Well, I wanted to recreate a similar shoot this year featuring 2 babes that I love dearly: Micah Anne Park & Brooke Van Ryssel (owner of My Body Fitness & Nutrition) Paired with the beautiful makeup and hair by Nicole Velasquez, some vintage floral sheets, and a darker, moodier vibe I created Girls Gone Floral Pt II. This one came out much darker than the first time I created it and I think part of that is just kind of where part of my mind has been this year....with extreme highs and lows and perhaps I was editing and shooting this during one of my low times and therefore, it took on more of an ominous tone. When I go through my images there are some where I tried to "force" the softer, more romantic look from the previous year's shoot, but it just looked out of place, so I stopped fighting with what my heart wanted and gave in to creating a darker series. In either case, creatives and art are designed to be therapeutic, so whatever it was that I had to get out, I did and for that I am thankful. Micah's lingerie set is from Adoreme.com and Brooke's is from Forever 21!
She Found Toxicity Addicting {Guest Post} ~ Winnipeg Boudoir Photography
Apparently it’s shocking when a “feminized” woman likes other women, I’m not allowed to have long hair or !? I was already well-aware my body was changing and was working very hard with my doctors trying to pinpoint my overly-fast metabolism and low-energy levels. I was put on a regiment of high calorie intake every 2 hours just so I wouldn’t faint! (Forget working out, I had zero energy!) With troubles in my relationships, everything just seemed to fall apart after I left the toxic work place. Isn’t it interesting how toxicity can be addictive? Because I sure felt my purpose in life dwindled completely after so much was taken away from me, and out of my control.I spent weeks lurking under my covers wondering if I’d ever feel confident again, as everyone looked at me as if I way laying on my death bed - I began to do the same. It’s hard to regain one’s self worth when your whole life you hear from one important figure,“WHAT IS THIS?”, grabbing my hips, “YOUR BODY HANGS OUT OF YOUR PANTS!”To that same person quoting,“OH MY GOODNESS, YOUR FACE LOOKS LIKE A SKELETON!” I couldn’t take the pain every time I looked in the mirror anymore, I feel as if though my aesthetics were the only way people offered help. I turned to social media to post sad things in hopes for guidance, and luckily for me; Teri got ahold of me.Like I said before, I was nervous as all hell to see these photos as it’s been over a year since I modeled, I have never been this thin in my life nor have I never not been able to recognize myself.I was nervous I wasn’t going to like what I saw, I was nervous for the feeling of disappointment my heart would carry if I stared into my own reflection and heard voices in the back of my mind ask if I was “OK”. BUT then I got the Dropbox. With sweaty palms and about two hours of convincing myself “fuck everyone else” over and over, I dove into the album. And ladies;It Was Glorious. That’s probably the first time I’ve taken pictures at this stage in my life (yes even selfies) and didn’t feel absolutely horrified to look at them! I even got a laugh out of a certain shot, because I’m so focused on my diameters I never even noticed the small beauty mark resting slightly above my knuckle on my middle finger. It’s like my SKIN is even saying “fuck everyone else”!As a model it’s my job to work with the team to create their masterpiece, and you can lose yourself (or your aesthetic) in those moments but I find it rewarding to make the vision a reality.Sometimes it’s crazy seeing yourself and being unrecognizable to your own reflection; but you end up learning new things to appreciate about your ever changing body, and it’s great to have this shoot and Teri to continue to burn that into our brains.I hope others are just as willing to see me as “Attieh who’s a wee bit thin right now” and not “Attieh is running to the bathroom to void the lunch she just ate”.If you haven’t already, link up with Teri. Even a few hours of her time can reopen your eyes.If you are interested in telling your story through powerful imagery and an empowering experience, send me an email!
You know how when your expecting a phone call with some “news” but you’re really unsure whether it’ll be “good” or “bad”?Well that’s exactly the kind of anxiety my stomach pitted into waiting for these photos...A quick tidbit - Teri and I have worked together for years and she’s ALWAYS made me beyond comfortable and ecstatic for the outcome. Being a part of her team gave me opportunities that I’d definitely shy away from without her previous support. I even began loving my birthday-suit over anything else I own, thanks to the #BoudyBabes!Anywhoo, back to before...For over a year I’ve been struggling towards the path of a healthy mentality. My previous job wore me down to feeling absolutely worthless, I began putting my boss’ needs above my own: all while being belittled for my efforts, ridiculed for having a mental illness, and mocked at my “lack of weight gain” (just to name a few).Even clients were starting to get super invasive and ask me things along the lines of “Oh my, you’re nothing! What does your doctor have to say??”(Guess what? My employer would just shrug it off.)So, young Attieh who’s already going through major changes in her life, (I finally came out to my family and the world in October!) is starting to feel the pressures of “looking healthy”.
Howdy {Las Vegas Diaries} ~ Winnipeg Boudoir Photographer
As I started planning my shoots for Vegas next year, I was reminded that I never ended up blogging my shoots from Vegas THIS year and that had to be fixed immediately! I brought Nicole to Mexico with me for some workshop fun and photoshoots! Well, we ended up doing a few shoots, but the main one for me was when we drove out to the dry lake bed at dusk and did this shoot in like 20 minutes. I was inspired by the harness set from Little Black Diamond and scoured the internet looking for a denim bikini (which apparently is in fashion now....)! I had found some thrifted western shirts and cowboy boots and we kicked up some dust! I hope you enjoy scrolling through this editorial session that we had so much fun creating![audio mp3="https://www.terihoffordphotography.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/08/Rollin-In-The-Dirt.mp3"][/audio]
Identity Crisis {Guest Post}~ Winnipeg Boudoir Photography
boudoir photography winnipeg
TRIGGER WARNING: THIS BLOG POST DEALS HEAVILY WITH WEIGHTLOSS, SURGERY, MENTIONS OF SUBSTANCE ABUSE & SEXUAL ASSAULT, AND FATPHOBIA
I have a confession. I am starting this blog without a hot clue what I want to say.Teri asked if I could share a little bit about my journey, weight loss, skin removal surgery, and my views on my body, and while I am SURE that I have much to say on the topic, I am drawing a blank and the reason why is very simple:Because body positivity is hard. There. I said it.Now let’s jump in:After a fairly traumatic adolescence and early adulthood battling substance abuse (but that’s a whole other blog post, let me know when you’re ready for that one, Teri.) I found myself almost 300 pounds and hating myself. I didn’t do much to address my concerns about my weight, but I spent just about every second of every day analyzing my body, my weight, and what I had done wrong to get it to this place where I hated it so much.Did I hate myself because I was 300 pounds and society had taught me that everything about that was shameful? Or was I 300 pounds because I hated myself? I searched for the answers. Maybe I was neglecting myself. Maybe I didn’t feel like I was worth caring for. I looked around at family members, was it my genes? Maybe I was subconsciously attempting to protect myself from the violent gaze of men after being a victim of sexual assault. Surely, I am emotional eating to mask the pain. OR What if this was a personal failing? Was I just deeply and profoundly flawed and that was the hand I was dealt in life? Is Karma a thing? Is the universe getting even for all the mistakes I’d made? How could life be SO unfair?! I spent years trying to rationalize my shame around my weight. Standing In front of the mirror in tears, pleading with the universe to fix me.It was exhausting.Then through the magic of the internet, I found out about the Body Positivity Movement. This idea that I could be fat AND OKAY?! Well that just blew my mind. This whole other way of thinking was so exciting to me. I wanted to know more. HOW CAN I BE BODY POSITIVE TOO?!I followed all the Instagram accounts, I joined the Facebook groups, I googled the memes, I read the books, I watched the documentaries and to be completely honest,… I didn’t really get it…But oh dear Lord, how I wanted to get it! I wanted to feel okay. I wanted to love myself.So I faked it. Fake it ‘till you make it, baby! I walked the walk and I talked the talk. I shared the posts and I publicly celebrated me. I liked everything I was promoting but I wasn’t sure that I was really feeling it at my core. Years of self-loathing is hard to just turn off. (Am I right?!) Nevertheless, I kept at it. I wanted to be enlightened too.And eventually the funniest thing started happening,… if you surround yourself with positive energy, reassuring thoughts, and inspiring people,…. It becomes you. You become it. Like, actually.I had not realized it at the time but looking back, I wasn’t miserable because I was fat. I was miserable because I was filling my own world with negativity every single day.As the positivity crept in and started taking up all of the spaces that were once full of hate, my whole world started changing for the better.But now that I wasn’t spending every waking moment analyzing my shame, what was I going to do with all this free time?!I decided I would take “fake it till you make it” to a completely new level. I entered a Plus Size Modelling contest for a local plus size clothing shop,… and son of a bitch, I won!I WAS FAT AND I WAS OKAY.Around this time I met Teri Hofford and I had my first shoot with her. I loved her light and her energy and I wanted more of it. I had a BLAST. I started modelling more and I really fell in love with it. Teri’s studio became a safe place for me. I could be who I am, and my body could be what it is, and I never had to worry about anything. Unapologetically naked and unapologetically fat.I WAS FAT AND I WAS OKAY.I started dating again and men liked me. I was funny, and charming, and kind of cute even.I WAS FAT AND I WAS OKAY.I GOT IT! FINALLY! I WAS BODY POSITIVE!As I started to accept myself more and more I stopped dwelling on the past and began focusing on the future and my goals. I wanted to go to the gym, I wanted to diet, I wanted to lose weight!!!…. …. ….. WAIT… What?.... Is that body positive? … Shit. I was stumped.Like I said, Body Positivity is hard.So, I reverted to an old tactic… I’m going to analyze this and I’m going to get to the bottom of it!Why did I want to lose weight?Surely, to be healthy! Yes, that is body positive. And I liked feeling strong and powerful! Yes, that is body positive too. The endorphins give me energy! Yes! I am still body positive!But also, honestly… because I still hated my body. I was still ashamed of my fat.I cannot say this enough… Body Positivity is hard!I went to the gym, I changed my diet, but I also made sure to remind myself of my worth every single day and that that worth was not determined by my weight.Over the next 2 years, I lost 100 pounds. I now sit around 175 (but I don’t pay much attention). I moved in and out of healthy spaces along the way. I balanced the days I paid too much attention to the scale with days where I just felt happy to be me but eventually I was struggling with a new shame. The fat I hated so much was replaced with excess skin that I hated even more.Body positivity is hard.Could I want to lose weight and still be body positive? That one was tricky.Could I get plastic surgery and still be body positive?At this point I was done analyzing, I was going to do what made me happy and I did not care who (including myself) understood it.With the help of some great women who had been there before, I found a surgeon and had my excess skin removed. The surgery involved cutting a 20-inch horizontal incision across my hips and another 10-inch vertical incision up to my sternum and removing 5 pounds of excess skin from my abdomen. My belly button was realigned and the skin from my back and hips was pulled away from the muscles and stretched forward and to cover my tummy. This was not a minor procedure. The recovery was hard. I could not take much for pain management due to my past addiction issues. I could not stand up straight and used a walker to get around for 2 weeks. I was off work for 6 weeks and out of the gym for 3 months. I am told I will be fully healed in about a year.At this point, the weight was lost, the skin was removed, and I prepared myself to fight a new mental battle against my scars but the most peculiar thing happened. I LOVE THEM. These scars represent my strength. They are a reminder everyday of how truly amazing my body is. When I was almost 300 pounds it carried me. As I started fueling my body with nutritious food and self care it energized me and made me unstoppable. It did incredible things in the gym every single day that I wasn’t sure it was capable of. It was cut up and stitched shut, and it healed me. I have nothing but MAD RESPECT for this body o’ mine.Once I was healed and armed with mad respect it was time for another session with Teri Hofford. I hadn’t done a shoot in over a year and working up to shoot day I was nervous, which in itself was out of character for me but I felt like I was a different person and this was my very first photoshoot. I have shot with Teri a lot over the years. She has seen every LITERAL inch of me but that was my old body. This one was new and I was still figuring it out…#identitycrisis. but I walked into the studio and it was the exact same safe place it had always been. One of the first things she asked me was how I felt about my scars and if I was comfortable showing them. HECK YES! “What have you got for wardrobe?”“I’m thinking nothing. Are you okay with that?” LET’S DO THIS! In an instant, I wasn’t nervous anymore. It’s almost like fat Nikita and Skinny(er) Nikita were the exact same person all along (radical concept I know.) And as always, (no matter the size of my body) I look at the beautiful photos Teri has captured and I feel proud.My mind is *usually* a safe place to be now. Rather than feel like a failure or a hypocrite, I accept that body positivity is a process. That it is something I am going to have to work at and that some days will be harder than others. I accept that that I am not perfect. I don’t have all of the answers and that my understanding of what it means to love myself is sometimes going to be lacking insight but I am going to do it anyway.There is so much pressure on women today to look a certain way and to behave a certain way. It can be confusing to navigate all of the expectations. When it came to being Body Positive / Self Accepting, I was still trying to do it “right” in the eyes of everyone else and it took a while for me to realize that it is a personal journey. It is about dropping the expectations and just doing you.As Teri once told me…. The LEAST interesting thing about you is what you look like.
