I have to admit something.......even though I am big believer in BODY POSITIVITY, I haven't been very positive to my body...
Being an entrepreneur is hard...especially when you are one who likes to keep busy and never stop working, but within the entrepreneur life it is easy to lose track of oneself...and this is what happened to me. You see, having a business is like having a baby in that it requires constant love, passion, and dedication. You never fully sleep because you are always thinking about it, you never fully eat because you are busy moving from one thing to the next, your brain never shuts off, and you lost track of what it means to be a human...and to be honest, I wouldn't change this for the world...if my health would just be okay with that. As I get older it's harder to maintain this delicious body of mine and the stress I put it under makes it difficult too. I don't eat healthy (or sometimes at all), I don't exercise (aside from pushing furniture around my studio), and I sit A LOT (like I am now, writing this blog post.) and while I acknowledge this is part of being an entrepreneur, I also know it can change if I want it to. Maybe my definition of success should start to include me having a healthy blood sugar and not having to take naps in the afternoon...
So I started to think about why I was "afraid" to eat healthy and exercise and finally I realized it: I HAD BEEN DAMAGED BY DIET CULTURE.Every time I would start an exercise class or start to eat clean, my brain would go on autopilot and immediately thoughts of "I wonder how much weight I will lose" or "Calories in vs. calories out/measureable outcomes" began to consume me, so I would shut down....I would shut down because I had been here before, when I was mentally unhealthy at my lowest weight. I realized I needed to change the outcome attached to the activity (whether eating or working out) and while it sounds easy enough to do, it really isn't. It's easy to say "just focus on movement for movement sake" but in the back of my head, there is still that stupid fucking voice telling me "but maybe you will lose weight..." like it's the only thing keeping me going to the class or activity...and I hate every part of that. Diet culture has ingrained so much self-loathing and punishment into every "exercise" activity, that we are trained to look for measurable outcomes like weight or inch loss or else what is the point? When these aren't achieved we feel like fucking failures and then hate ourselves even more and I DO NOT want to go back there. Ever. In fact, the other day I went for a walk and forgot my pedometer and felt like a piece of shit because I couldn't measure my "success"...whether or not I had it with me I still walked the same distance, but I didn't have evidence...so did I really??? So I had to have a talk with myself about how silly I was being and be a wee bit compassionate towards myself that I am a work in progress. The mind fuck that is diet culture needs to take advice from the first 3 letters of it's name and just DIE.
Here's what you need to know about me, however....if I could eat right for me, move for the sake of movement and I was still fat, I would be FINE with that. I truly do not detest my body shape or size...I have overcome that, but now I have to shift my thinking from diet culture to thinking of my body as a biological machine that has needs for me to have energy, sleep right, and live the life that I want in all capacities. I don't want to worry about heart attacks, strokes, and blindness because of my poor eating habits and lack of movement....because I already have enough to worry about with my business.
So, I attended The Body Image Conference in Toronto put on by the National Eating Disorder Institute of Canada. Originally I had signed up to learn more to help my boudoir and Body Image Bootcamp clients, but by the second day I realized that I was learning more about myself and what shifts need to happen. One of the workshops I took was about Dialectical Behaviour Therapy (DBT) and I was impressed by with the adjustment of a single word it changed the way I felt. For example, I normally would say: "I love my body, BUT I need to eat right and exercise." The BUT in that sentence then negates the fact that I love my body....however, if we make this small adjustment: "I love my body, AND I need to eat right and exercise" It totally changes the feel to the sentence, saying that both things are true. I DO love my body AND I DO need to eat right and exercise. It is small shifts like this, that I know will slowly change my feels. Just like changing my mindset from hating my body to loving and accepting it, I have to do that with fueling it. The biggest impact of that conference, however, was meeting with Dr. Linda Bacon, creator of the HAES (Health At Every Size) principles which essentially helped me to understand that all bodies require different sustenance to work at peak performance (Did you know that some brains require more fat, so as a result your body may need to keep more fat on it??) She describes these principles as a new "Peace Movement" towards working towards a HEALTHY life, not necessarily a thinner one. I bought her book "Body Respect" and am taking it all in. I love the science-y stuff, but also the compassion that comes through.
Unfortunately, nowadays, the diet industry has clamped on hard to the body positivity movement to use it for it's own gain and if you have picked up the latest Weight Watchers magazine, you will see what I mean. They spout words like body positive, empowerment, and self love....while also telling you to count your calories, check your BMI (which is complete bullshit), and limit your foods and showing "miraculous transformations" of sad befores and happyily ever afters. So bopo-culture is becoming extremely watered down and making it more difficult to determine what is right for you...which is why I have a hard time falling back into an actual healthy routine...I am afraid I will become obsessed like I was once before. I never realized the toll that my previous 100lbs weightloss would have on my mental capacity. It's like I did everything (worked out 6 hrs/day & ate the same thing every day) or nothing (binge watch Netflix & eat grilled cheese and take out at every opportunity), so I am in the process of finding that balance now....and I will: Just like the self love, body love also takes time and mindfulness to rewire the brain.
Why am I sharing this journey with you? Because I want you to know that body positivity has to include more than just lovely photos of babely tummies on the internet...it has to include eating right BECAUSE you love your body and want it to work the best it can, regardless if this means weight loss or not. It has to incorporate PRO-HEALTH fitness regimes that focus on making your body be efficient, instead of just "How much weight do you want to lose?" "What is your size goal?" etc. These wellness places have to be inclusive of all body types, shapes, sizes, and capabilities and not give them all the same goal of weightloss. Body positivity has to mean more than just the shape and size of bodies and it has to include gender, color, and how you experience the world. Another interesting tidbit I took away from the conference was learning that "not all bodies are good bodies" because if someone is transgender, I am certain they feel that the body they were born into isn't a good body...BUT, what I did learn is that "all bodies are VALUABLE bodies". So regardless of where someone is in their journey to self love, they have to recognize that their body is valuable because it allows them to experience the world in all it's capacity. Without a body you wouldn't be able to read this, without a body you wouldn't be able to tell your story, without a body you wouldn't be able to hug and kiss your babies, etc. MY body is valuable, YOUR body is valuable and now it's time for me to treat this body like the priceless organism that it is.(All of these beautiful photos are courtesy of the amazing Denise Birdsong of Modern Love Photography taken in San Francisco)
Making Magic ~ Winnipeg Boudoir Photographer
I really don't have too much to write about this particular session, aside from the fact that whenever I get the chance to work with Raissa & Kelly, it always turns out like magic. These 2 babes helped make my little rave/fairy/70s shoot come to life with the epic hair, the styling, and of course the modeling! If you have ever desired to feel like a sparkly goddess, feel free to check out our specialty sessions!!
SHE BROUGHT ME OSTRICH FEATHERS ~ Winnipeg Boudoir Photography
One of my favorite parts about being a boudy photographer, is that I get to meet all sorts of women who are amazing at what they do. Miss Dakota Tramp (her stage name) is no exception to this and her and I just clicked, so I am certain you will be seeing a lot of her (she tells me she has a huge sparkly wardrobe!!!). When she sent me an email telling me that she had a handmade OSTRICH FEATHER, GLASS BEADED OUTFIT(!!) I did a little squeal! I have been wanting to shoot something epic like that since I feel in love with Ellen Von Unwerth! In addition to that outfit, she also had an ostrich feather hemmed robe given to her from one of her besties and she rocked it out in the studio! Take a look at some of the magic we made and read about her experience shooting with me! She describes her session as: Glorious, empowering, and wonderful 
Teri's fantastic direction and positive vibe made this more than a photo shoot, it was an empowering and incredibly positive experience. From our first email exchanges to the reveal of my final photos, my expectations were exceeded, when they were already high to begin with based on exceptional recommendations. Can't say enough about how much I loved our shoot and the finished photos. Posing and modelling does NOT come naturally! Teri's bubbly personality and easy to follow direction made me feel comfortable and confident, which lead to photos that make me look like a for real movie star. You deserve to feel like a goddess, and Teri can help bring that out for you.
Age is Only A Number ~ Winnipeg Boudoir Photography
I have been waiting on a pile of sessions to blog, waiting for questionnaires to roll in, so I am super excited to bring Miss A. to the blog today. This babe was one of the women who responded to my 45+ casting call to show that age is just a number and nothing a woman should fear. Miss A's story was incredibly awe-inspiring and she is one of the strongest women I know. While her story is hers to share, I just want you readers to know that our daily struggles are literally NOTHING. Without further adieu, here is the incredible Miss A, proving to us that age & adversity have no effect on a person's beauty, worth, and ability to succeed.
At 45years old I had emergency openheart surgery to repair my mitral valve, which suddenly failed and left me gasping for breath in the fall of 2014, I was hospitalized in isolation for 6 weeks after developing a hospital acquired infection post-op.
I was determined not to let it break my spirit and was occasionally found behind the curtain of my isolation room cracking dirty jokes and eating sushi with cousins and friends. At one point I was getting a big case of cabin fever and pondered if Pinterest had any ideas about how to remodel a wall curtain out of bendy straws.
I finally made it home and began to feel stronger each day. After about 6 months in the spring of 2015, I felt pretty good.
One day I even played with my fur baby Whitney in the yard of our secluded country home and waited for my sweet and medically fragile foster daughter's school van to bring her home at the end of her school day. When the van pulled into the drive I was well and happy. I opened the back door to the van and gave that beautiful smiling girl a kiss and asked if she had a good day. Then I went to open the front door and my right arm began to tingle, I couldn't reach for her bag on the floor. After 17 years of nursing experience under my belt, I knew exactly what was happening.
The van driver was a kindly older women. She asked me if I was ok as I grabbed my right arm and my response was "nanananana". I couldn't speak although I tried but my brain wouldn't make my mouth move either. I was having an acute stroke.
I lived in such an isolated area and only had a cell phone but couldn't speak and I had left it in the garden. The driver couldn't get a signal with hers.
Finally by doing some elaborate charades with my left side I was able to direct her to my phone. My right leg no longer worked. I needed to give medical info about my foster daughter but I couldn't write either. My brain forgot how words work or what letters looked like.
We were lucky that I had always kept a daily journal of her needs and was able to point to that.
Finally the ambulance arrived and I knew the attendants from the local hospital I had worked at.
I made charade jokes about being lame and going commando that day. After a 45 min ride to the city I was able to utter a single word once. It encompassed everything, it's a fine word, my favorite word in fact "Fuck".
I laughed with my droopy face, my wrinkles disappeared on that side of my face as though I'd been injected with extreme botox.
I understood everything but was locked in a language prison. Terrified that my little one wouldn't get the care she needed, I couldn't relate a single word to the emergency room social worker about her or even my own medical case or prescriptions to the team of doctors and nurses furiously working on all sides of me. I have allergies to meds but they never managed to guess which ones. I hoped for the best.
I struggled to recover my speech for several months. Words gradually returned but I had acquired some new strange accent that somewhat resembled a monotone Russian woman. I figued," hey, accents are sexy", I could work with it. It made my medical team laugh and I was determined not to prove that saying that nurses make the worst patients.
I worked hard at recovery in language, speech, smiling, moving. I've always been pretty competitive with myself.
I still struggled and wasn't really able to communicate to my husband that some things just wouldn't ever be the same with my brain. I was forgetful, couldn't do simple math or concentrate enough to read a full page. I was just learning what letter shapes made words again.
These things angered him, I had become a burden to him. I couldn't go back to my nursing career. To him I was lazy. I didn't try hard enough.
We put our house up for sale, moved to Gimli in March of 2016. My parents live there and our boys had flown the nest before I had medical issues and got jobs there. I was lonely, I had lost my beautiful sweet foster daughter back to the system after my stroke. Feeling as though I had failed her, I so wanted to be her forever home, her link to her bio family and Inuit culture, her last stop but alas I was nothing more than another placement in cycle of temporary homes. This is the only regret of all I have lost in the last 2 1/2 years.
I left my husband of 25 years shortly after moving here. I had no friends and didn't know the city at all. Leaving him wasn't smooth and I ended up in hiding for several months in Northern Ontario. I met some really great feminist strong women who helped me heal and allow myself to mourn what I'd lost but more importantly they reminded me of how strong and brave I was.
I moved to Winnipeg this past October and have made some truly amazing and supportive friends who welcomed me into their homes, lives and hearts.
I have speech therapy still and I struggle with memory issues and concentration but I defiantly don't struggle with the decisions I've made. I love this new city with all I have. It's my home where I grow stronger, more beautiful and worthy of happiness and love everyday.
This city loves me back by bringing all these loving souls into my life.
I'm a warrior, survivor, lover of life and "Hey, did you see my rockin' 48 year old ass?"
Miss A has been through more struggles than many of us and I truly believe it was her inner strength and ability to see humor and light in every experience that the universe dealt her. It's women like her that remind me every day, just how fragile our lives are and how we do the things we know in our hearts to do.
Girls Gone Floral {inspiration session} ~ Winnipeg Boudoir Photographer
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winnipeg boudoir photographer
winnipeg boudoir photographer
winnipeg boudoir photographer