Model: Taylor Oakes / The Internet CreatureLocation: Neon Demon StudiosNot much to write in regards to this shoot aside from it was fucking awesome to let loose inside a studio full of neon lights and fun shit with Taylor head to toe in glittery outfits.
Squidgy Feelings & The Honest Truth About "Living the Dream" ~ Personal Post
This year has been a year of chaos for me. It truly is the word I would use to sum up the last 9 months and though I know that there is always chaos before the calm, it has been playing with my mental health quite a bit. I have never been one to have dealt with depression, anxiety, etc. to the extremes that I have this year....and it's not even close to as debilitating as others, but it has been constant and it has been there and it has infiltrated everything, from my personal life to my work. Those of you that know me, know that I am not one to stay in one spot too long, which is probably one of my saving graces when it comes to this cloud of depression that seems to be hanging on, because I don't like to stay in one MENTAL STATE very long either. So, within this chaotic tornado that has been this year, I have been trying to ground myself and cling to whatever science and data I can find to get me back to "normal". The interesting thing about this low grade depression that I've had since probably November of last year, if we are being honest, is that it wasn't like BAM! YOU ARE SAD! Instead, it is a creeping worry, a heaviness on my heart, and a feeling of treading water instead of swimming forward. I'm not sure what brought it on, but to be honest, I am not too concerned with that....rather, I am concerned with how I let it go this far. The answer is easy: ignorance & busyness. Yes. I didn't believe that I could get depressed because I am "living the dream" and I assumed it was for people that were sad all the time. So there's the ignorance and well, if you follow my social media in any capacity you know that I have been like a frickin' inept bumblebee, flitting from flower to flower before being able to sweetly pollinate one flower fully. As a result of this, I find myself caught between 3-4 different worlds, but not actually fully present in any of them.In an effort to erase the squidgy feelings that permeated my soul, I tried to move to new places, hoping it would shake loose and I would be able to be "TERI" again. 2017 Teri. 2016 Teri. Hell, I'd even take 2015 Teri (though she was still stressed out from learning business stuff). But it didn't happen. If anything, my zipping around took even more of a toll...not just on my mind, but also my body, my relationships, and my foundation-ME. With this treading of sludgy water, I feel my feet crumbling my foundation away....but I hope that is happening because I need to build a new foundation - a stronger one.It sounds silly, but I've kind of "written off" the rest of this year. I'm done forcing everything and I am going to ride this wave of chaos, while planning a strategy for 2019. And while part of me acknowledges that that might be as smart as someone going on a diet on a Monday, it is what is keeping me grounded and moving forward...inch by inch. Just use the rest of this year to make your plan.Part of this rebuilding is going to involve a stronger foundation, as up until now I have been trying to build an upside down human pyramid, with me on the bottom. It's now time to flip it and make a foundation comprised of more people to help me do the heavy lifting. I am pleased to announce that I have brought on 2 new associates who are going to help me take Teri Hofford Photography to the next level: providing our community with boudoir at all levels and for all budgets to impact as many people as possible and introducing new session experiences (portraits - yay for keeping your clothes on! personal branding sessions - woot for having a personality! and couples sessions - woohoo for connection!) My intent is that my associates will be able to help me empower the people in my home community of Winnipeg and the surrounding area and this will allow me to travel to do my workshops, talks, and invest more time in Body Image BootCamp without sacrificing the impact that I want to have on the clients in front of me. Anyone who goes into business by themselves knows that the thought of passing the baton to other people is scary AS FUCK.....will they love this as much as I do? Will they care as much as I do? Like I ask all of you to do....I have to trust. If I am going to survive and get back to empowering women with the ferocity that I used to, I know I can't do it alone and for that I have to trust. Fuck that's hard.Another part of rebuilding the foundation of me, is to get back to social connection. Going back to school was the best decision I ever made, but the content is even more impactful. Originally I went into studying positive psychology in an effort to further the impact I had on my clients...but I can see now, that it's no coincidence that it is to help me first. The fact that I learned within 1 day that one of the leading causes of depression is loneliness made me reflect inward. "But, Teri, you work with people all the time!" Yes. WORK with people....I give so much of myself emotionally and mentally during sessions, workshops, and talks that when I am done I am an empty shell....now, this isn't a bad thing....I LOVE to give myself to people, but I haven't been taking the necessary precautions to fill my cup. You see loneliness isn't eradicated by giving to people all the time.....it's eradicated when it's a 2 way street, where you can give AND you can receive. What I was doing, however, was staying in my studio for all hours to stay caught up, blowing off friends and family members to work on "just one more picture" or head off somewhere to teach or shoot....and with that came immense guilt, but also loneliness. Now, don't get me wrong...I still love to be alone: my Teri Time is the shit and I am VERY productive and love it because I don't have to wear pants....I just also have to make time for family & friends on a more constant basis (once a week or a few times a month). Again, this may not be the answer to anyone else's depression, but I know it was something that changed from 2016/2017 and 2018. I used to take my nieces and nephews on "dates" every month, I would go up to my brother's farm every 2 months, I would hang out with my bestie at least once a month and this year I have barely done any of that....I realize that part of my "success" needs to involve family/friends time, even if I have to work at it.The last bit of the foundation that I need to build upon is my physical health, because without physical health I don't have mental health and vice versa. This means moving more, fueling myself with actual food and less Skip the Dishes. It means resting, sleeping in, napping, drinking a shit ton of water, and going for regular "maintenance" check ups (which I avoid like the plague...if it ain't broke, don't fix it, right? WRONG....because it WILL break if you don't attempt to prevent it!). It means going for massages once a month (or more if necessary) and investing in the things that are meant to help me function optimally and taking time for self care.The biggest struggle a lot of entrepreneurs face, is not being able to discuss our mental health issues. I think we feel guilty because we know other people always tell us "what do you have to be upset about? You are LIVING THE DREAM!" and "You chose this path." But while this may be true, what they don't know is that living your dream comes with a price if you aren't careful. When we come forward to talk about the struggle of "living the dream" we do this in hopes to inspire conversation around mental health in the entrepreneur-world so that we can help one another succeed and understand they aren't alone. Also, if you actually know anything about depression it has nothing to do with being upset (as I realized after confronting my ignorance)...its more of a dullness that covers the usual brightness of possibility...it's not intense enough to be really sad or angry....it's just existing, floating, and neutral. So, I am giving myself to the end of this year to embrace the dullness like a thick-ass blanket fort so I can get back to work planning world domination and build my empowerment empire for 2019. Thank you for those that continually lift me up, allow me to do what I do and believe in my mission to help women progress beyond their body image...thank you for trusting me to help you recognize your brilliance and your power and for letting me hel you co-write the new story of the person you want to be.**And thanks to Tori for donning my vintage frocks and playing with me in the forest**
For Her, It Is Always ~ Winnipeg Intimate Portrait Photographer
TRIGGER WARNING: SELF HARM
I found ms. Chloe on the Instagram when I was scrolling through #therealcatwalk images, images taken during the Fashion Week in whatever city is hosting it (London, in this case) and I saw one of the other amazing models I follow: Khrystyana (from the latest season of America's Next Top Model) with this beautiful girl with a lion's mane of beautiful curls. #therealcatwalk is an event that happens to bring awareness to the "other" bodies that exist in the world and are just as worthy of strutting their stuff during Fashion Week! There are babes with disabilities, babes with body image issues, babes with bellies, and babes who self harm/ed...Chloe falls into the last category. I reached out to her and let her know that I would be coming to London and on a long shot, if she was free, would she want to collaborate and do a shoot with me. Within minutes I heard back. I was so pumped to meet this girl I literally knew nothing about. Fast forward to the day of our shoot and she met me at my teeny tiny little hotel room where we improvised and used strategic lighting to make the room look significantly bigger than it was (I could spin around in one spot and almost touch every wall). While shooting we chatted a wee bit about her modeling career (which started VERY young and was interrupted by her self harm) and we chatted about her favorite musicians and both of our loves for Primark. While we didn't get into the specifics of Chloe's self harm with her, it was evident that she had been through a lot in her young life, but the fact that she was there, on the other side of all of that darkness and ready to give life another go was very inspiring. I asked Chloe to write a bit about her life and she gave me a poem which she created during her treatment when she was diagnosed as Bi-Polar and it is her expression of BPD and how she experienced it. During the shoot, Chloe was extremely professional, amazingly open to creative collaboration with me, and I think she had a good time.
bpd issitting in the freezing cold for hours on end smoking countless cigarettes not knowing where you are or why you're there.bpd isfeeling so empty and emotionless that it's an emotion within itself, the numbness over takes your whole being clouding you're every move with a smoky veil of nothing.bpd isnot wanting to get out of bed because your scared of what you're going to feel today and how many different emotions are coming your way.bpd isnauseating anxiety growling in the pit of your stomach, catching you out at all the wrong times forcing you to retreat into yourself with clammy hands and a heightened heartbeat.bpd isfeeling ecstatic half an hour later, re- downloading tinder for the 30th time even though each time you have it and don't get a quick fuck soon enough, you get bored and scrap the idea leaving you feeling unloveable and dirty.bpd isNothing,And everything.It's tiring and exhausting.It's buying your friends gifts at every opportunity to make sure they don't hate you.It's hating the shell you reside in so much you slice it open just to see there's something actually inside of you.It's paralysing.It's constant.It's always.
Girls Gone Floral Pt II: Winnipeg Boudoir Photographer
Last year, I did a creative shoot called Girls Gone Floral featuring the beautiful Chloe Giesbrecht & Jade Michael and if you follow me, you know my taste in imagery ranges from pastel pretties to dark and ominous and everything in between. Well, I wanted to recreate a similar shoot this year featuring 2 babes that I love dearly: Micah Anne Park & Brooke Van Ryssel (owner of My Body Fitness & Nutrition) Paired with the beautiful makeup and hair by Nicole Velasquez, some vintage floral sheets, and a darker, moodier vibe I created Girls Gone Floral Pt II. This one came out much darker than the first time I created it and I think part of that is just kind of where part of my mind has been this year....with extreme highs and lows and perhaps I was editing and shooting this during one of my low times and therefore, it took on more of an ominous tone. When I go through my images there are some where I tried to "force" the softer, more romantic look from the previous year's shoot, but it just looked out of place, so I stopped fighting with what my heart wanted and gave in to creating a darker series. In either case, creatives and art are designed to be therapeutic, so whatever it was that I had to get out, I did and for that I am thankful. Micah's lingerie set is from Adoreme.com and Brooke's is from Forever 21!
Just Pictures ~ Editorial Sessions
A creative thrown together with my talented makeup artist: Kylie Smith and Boudy Muse: Jade Michael
This shoot is a fab example of how you need to roll with it when shit goes sideways. For this particular day, we were supposed to do a summery shoot featuring bright colors, poppy prints, and a vintage flair. However, everything that was planned went in another direction: the sky was less than stellar due to the smoke from the wildfires, Kylie accidentally brought her wrong color kit, and Jade was feeling less than zippy for the shoot. So, we took what we had and ran with it. I grabbed a pair of culottes that I had wanted to shoot in Vegas this year, paired it with a with a basic white crop top and then went for an incredibly minimalist, moody af vibe. Then, I had this sweater that I had bought for camp that I didn't end up shooting, so we tossed it on Jade for some beautiful portraits in the late evening sun as it filtered into my studio. Sometimes, things don't go as planned....we could have fought everything and ended up creating work that wasn't meant to be created that day, OR we could go with the flow and quickly change direction of the shoot and make something epic. In fact, I am so in love with these shots because of their simplistic, editorial feel that it was nice to do something different. Also, working with Kylie & Jade I am NEVER disappointed in what we create together.
