How I Became Confident

While I love that people appreciate me showing up in all my glory on the internet, there’s always a few comments that squeak through that, to be honest, drive me bananas - but in an understandable, compassionate way. You see, I have spent the better part of 5 years talking non-stop about the things I read, the people I follow, the actions I take, the thoughts I correct, and the methods by which I have been able to become the person I am today. YET. I still get asked: “How are you so confident?” or told “I wish I had your confidence.” and every time I respond the same way: “You can, here are 3 things to get started: X, Y, Z” and then fast forward to another half nudie picture of me, and they comment again: “Awww, I wish I had your confidence.” Before we go further, I need you to understand that I DO have compassion, I really do. I understand how hard it is to wrestle with your thoughts and I understand that on top of all the other shit we have to do in our lives, finding our confidence is just something else - and it isn’t easy. It requires effort, it requires digging into gross, messy pasts. It requires ready books instead of watching Netflix and cutting toxic people out of your life. And worse yet - THERE IS NO DESTINATION!!!!!!!!

However, while I DO have compassion, I also am a woman of solutions and action. I have a rule of 3s for people who complain, sometimes a rule of 2 if you are really close to me: If you aren’t taking action on whatever you are complaining about after the 3rd time (either accepting it or changing it) then I DON’T WANT TO HEAR ABOUT IT. I am no longer the person to vent to. The hardest thing for a solution oriented person, is to offer up advice, solutions, and ideas only to have people throw them in the trash. And while I know that everyone comes around to information and education on their own time and in their own way, please understand that if I am responding back to you with advice, I am expecting you to follow through - even just a wee bit, before complaining to me about it again. Okay, now I don’t want this post to get high jacked with me complaining and instead, I AM GOING TO TAKE ACTION!! (See how I did that?) I am going to go through a few things that I do consistently in my life to work towards a more body positive/body neutral reality for myself.

I consistently re-center myself

You know how when you have your maps on your phone going and you are driving along and you zip ahead on the map to see where you are going to be, but you now can’t see where you are so you have to re-center it to know just how far it is, what you need to do, how many turns you need to take etc.? Well, that’s one thing I do with my life. I constantly check in with myself on a daily, weekly, monthly, and yearly basis. I will re-center myself and take stock of where I am. I constantly acknowledge my mindset, my mood, my attitude, my physical health, my behavior, my tolerance to people/things around me, etc. to see when things feel “good” and when things feel “off”. This allows me to know what good and bad feels like in my body and thus strengthens my intuition. By checking in with myself, I can feel in my body what I need to do more or less of: take a nap, get off the internet, avoid people, go to people, stay up late, get up early, drink water, stretch my hips, etc. Previously my mental energy was consumed with calorie counting and body measurements, now that mental energy is used to constantly monitor how I am doing overall as a human. This constant connection between my brain and my body allows me to see how they work in tandem with each other and understand that both are always looking out for me. Checking in with myself also allows me to see if I am falling back into old behaviors: whining about whether or not I should take the risk (I complained about this one waaaay more than 3 times hahah!), listening for old belief systems to crawl up and whisper in my ear (waiting for me to have a moment of weakness), etc. which then allows me to decide whether or not these behaviors are helping or hindering me from becoming the best version of myself.

I consistently read

I have mentioned this before, but education is one of the most important tools I have used in improving my view of myself, the world, and the mind. I am consistently reading books (sometimes multiples at a time) in order to keep my brain growing, learning, and embracing. The more you know, the more you realize what you don’t know and while it can be overwhelming for me it is exciting. Reading and understanding concepts and ideas is paramount to my confidence. I am confident in the decisions I make because I have well rounded perspectives on MOST of them - I have either read about someone who has done it, experienced it, wrote about it, or lived it. I read polarizing opinions on the same subject (usually a few on either side) so I can decide FOR MYSELF what is right for me. Have you ever tried to debate with someone who maybe wasn’t so educated on their topic, but was really passionate? Usually they end of frustrated and crying or raging out with insults because they KNOW they are right, but they cannot articulate way. Understanding WHY I feel the way about certain things gives me the ability to stand up when it is difficult and be firm in my conviction, but this understanding of knowing that there is so much that I don’t know allows me to simultaneously be okay with releasing my convictions when I learn new information. Education will always lead to empowerment and a better understanding of the world around us and ourselves - why do you think the government does a shitty job of ACTUALLY educating people?

I consistently play to my strengths and I manage my weaknesses

Ever since I was a kid, I’ve been really good at the following things: leading people, talking loudly - oh, I mean communicating, identifying options and being creative. It didn’t matter what task, job, hobby, game, or sport I participated in - these strengths were always there. Similarly, my weaknesses were not far behind: my lack of spatial awareness, lack of responsibility, inability to analyze and think before acting, and getting people to like me. I was very fortunate to grow up with parents who taught us to be whatever we wanted and were encouraged to live in our “strengths zones”. Now, as an adult I am addicted to personality assessments (my favorite being the Clifton Strengthsfinders assessment through Gallup) because they help me make sense of who I am and how to use those strengths to help the world! By creating a life where my strengths can flourish, I will be confident. Stick me in a math class, put me in a room with people I have to “win over” or ask me to do a puzzle upside down and almost instantly my confidence diminishes significantly - I will feel stupid, inept, and get depressed and start hating on myself (which allows all those lovely harboured thoughts I have about myself and my body to come bubbling up). Every time I feel “less than” I ask myself "How can you use your strengths in this moment?” and shift the experience to allow me to be resilient.

For example, my sister asked if I wanted to go to a networking event with her and she informed me it would be “totally casual, just some people getting together”, so I agreed despite hating networking events. Hearing the words “totally casual” I didn’t think I’d have to rush home and change my outfit because people wouldn’t care too much. We showed up to the event and EVERYONE WAS WEARING COCKTAIL DRESSES, TUXES, SUITS, etc. AND GUESS WHAT YOUR GIRL SHOWED UP IN?????? A FLIPPIN’ COTTON JUMPSUIT (THAT LOOKS LIKE PJS) WITH SOREL MOTHERFUCKING WINTER BOOTS. So, here I was, in an environment I was already prepared to be uncomfortable in, only now it was heightened 10000000%. But I promised. So, I dug deep into myself after all the negative thoughts came bubbling up and realized I had an opportunity. Anytime I walked up to someone, I introduced myself and then made a comment like “Oh, I see you didn’t get the memo about the dress code” and then gestured towards my lovely ensemble at which point the ice would be broken. I was able to use my ability to talk loudly and adapt to the situation to be relatable, funny, and ultimately myself. And the best part was, I was probably the most comfortable one in that room all night!

I CONSISTENTLY ASK MYSELF “WHAT WOULD A CONFIDENT PERSON DO?”

Anytime I get a little bit of fear or hesitation, I have now trained myself to ask the question: “What would a confident person do?” And the above example is perfect. Upon realizing that the environment I was entering was full of people who were put together, fancy, whatever, I realized I had 2 choices. I could go sit in the car and leave OR I could go eat some food and realize that people are too consumed with themselves to truly care about my boots. BUT, after my intro, I’d be hard to forget. But honestly, my sister even asked if I wanted to go and said “No, no, we are here.” but I know she would have accommodated me if I said “YES! LET’S GET THE FUCK OUTTA HERE!” I simply chose. When I was in grade 10 at volleyball camp, Team Canada had a match and then they offered kids to volunteer to go up and in that moment I remember thinking “I’m going to regret this if I don’t” and before I knew it, my hand was in the air. Again, I considered “What would a confident person do?” They would at least try. (I did get picked, fyi! And it was the highlight of my high school experience!) Now, as an adult, because of my constant monitoring I am able to see where I am hesitating and I can shut it down with a simple “What would a confident person do?” and then act accordingly. This is the same kinda thing like the What Would Jesus Do merch that I touted at bible camp - except less biblical I guess. Now, depending on what you want out of life, your question might be different: What would a body positive person do? What would a person who is good with money do? What would a boss do? etc.

I CONSISTENTLY CONSIDER WHO AND WHERE I SPEND MY TIME

I always say this, but what is going into your eyes and ears is important and most of this comes from where you spend your most time: online and with friends/family. Do you surround yourself with people that love to bitch, moan, complain, and cry that life isn’t fair? OR are you surrounding yourself with people that challenge you, support you, respect you, encourage you, and more importantly do all of those things for themselves? Jill always laughs when I say “I kinow, right?” when she says I look cute or did a good job at something and then she always points out that I am the only person she knows that is that positive about themselves. I used to want to be the hero, so I made sure I surrounded myself with people who needed me - this included jobs, relationships, friendships, even the lack of boundaries in my family allowed for this. Once I realized that being the hero wasn’t serving me and instead was distracting me from being the best version of myself, I started to curate who and where I spent most of my time and I do this consistently. When I am browsing instagram and get a twinge of jealousy, I stop, question it, then unfollow. It’s not helping - so it’s hindering and negative shit gets stored a lot faster than positive - so there is no NEED to consume what precious life I have with things that seek to tear me down. It’s important that I note that I gladly give my time to people, places, causes that I feel I can be beneficial, but I don’t invest my time somewhere just for the sake of participating in gossip, small minded thinking or bullshit. I just don’t have, nor want to make, the time for that.

By shifting my mental and emotional energy away from the draining and toxic thoughts fueled by the diet industry, to the positive and challenging thoughts/behaviors of self reflection, I have been able to give fewer and fewer fucks, embrace myself more authentically, and not let topical things get in the way of showing up in the world to help people. It’s more important to me to show up as love, light and positivity with confidence, than it is to stand in front of the mirror and put myself down out of insecurity. Someone asked me today what the difference between self esteem and confidence is and I mentioned that confidence is created by action. Without action, I don’t think you can experience confidence, whereas self esteem - the knowledge and conviction in yourself - creates the foundation for confidence to thrive. So, by having the self esteem to know that I am worth more, my life is worth more, and my gifts are worthy to the world, I am able to push myself to take action to show up in a way that might appear vulnerable or brave, but in reality, my friends, that is how I continue to experience confidence.