One of the best parts of my profession is meeting other boudoir photographers and connecting with them. Miss S of I Am Boudoir came to our Confident Curves workshop in Las Vegas and also did a mini session with me! After her session, she filled me in on why doing a session and why boudoir was so important to her and I knew it was a story that I had to share...
My body was a means to an end. 
Growing up I experienced several instances of sexual assault, both as a child and as a teen. I had grown men fondle me and attempt to assault me. My high school years were ruined when a classmate tried to rape me, yet he was never disciplined. Those instances turned me into an object. As such, I have never really trusted anyone with my body. I always felt like my body was the means to the end. Men just wanted my body to get what THEY wanted in the end. 
I grew to hate my body. The more I gained weight, the safer I felt. No one wants the “fat” girl right? I would go to a car lot to look at cars and no one would approach me. No one held doors for me, no one said hello or acknowledged me walking down the street. I was invisible and society told me I was undesirable at my size. 
I met my husband at 19 years old. He loved me for me and tolerated all my craziness. When we would fight and argue he would fight dirty. Even in the dirtiest of fights and the nastiest of words, he never once mentioned my weight or called me fat. I respected that. It made me feel like he loved me the way I was. We were together for twenty years. In 2011 I had weight loss surgery. I was never comfortable with my body and wanted to make a change. We were having issues in our marriage and sex wasn’t ever on the menu, so hey, if he’s more attracted to me, bonus! I lost approximately 80 pounds and was feeling AMAZING physically! I was thinner than I was in high school and yet, I was more self-conscious than ever. Suddenly I wasn’t invisible anymore and I was getting attention, which made me uncomfortable. I started nit-picking every single pudge here, or crease there. 
It was at this time I discovered by husband of twenty years was cheating on me. And not just cheating on me, but cheating on me with PROSTITUTES. I was embarrassed and disgusted. Was I that gross to make him pay for sex instead of pursuing me? Were that pudge and that crease the reason? I was devastated and turned to my best friend for support, food! Eight months later, I packed up my things while he was at work and I left. I had also gained about 40 pounds back at that point. I realize now that I slowly packed on pounds again as a protection mechanism to keep myself from getting hurt again. 
So where am I today? Today I have gained all 80 pounds back and weigh exactly the same as I did the day I had surgery. I am in a different space now. Yes, I still mindlessly snack, but I don’t feel like I medicate with food anymore. I also embrace my body the way it is. I no longer have this innate desire to chase thinness. I don’t care about my cellulite, or my rolls. My body is mine. It wakes me up every day, it hugs and squeezes my kids, and its my means to MY own end.
Having my own boudoir photos done was a way for me to embrace my body again. It was a way to MAKE me see myself as a sexual being. It was a way for me to feel proud of who I am today and how much I have grown emotionally. My body is not perfect, it never will be, but its MINE and I’m so proud I can look at it today and embrace it just the way it is – all 216 pounds of it.