Apparently it’s shocking when a “feminized” woman likes other women, I’m not allowed to have long hair or !? I was already well-aware my body was changing and was working very hard with my doctors trying to pinpoint my overly-fast metabolism and low-energy levels. I was put on a regiment of high calorie intake every 2 hours just so I wouldn’t faint! (Forget working out, I had zero energy!) With troubles in my relationships, everything just seemed to fall apart after I left the toxic work place. Isn’t it interesting how toxicity can be addictive? Because I sure felt my purpose in life dwindled completely after so much was taken away from me, and out of my control.I spent weeks lurking under my covers wondering if I’d ever feel confident again, as everyone looked at me as if I way laying on my death bed - I began to do the same. It’s hard to regain one’s self worth when your whole life you hear from one important figure,“WHAT IS THIS?”, grabbing my hips, “YOUR BODY HANGS OUT OF YOUR PANTS!”To that same person quoting,“OH MY GOODNESS, YOUR FACE LOOKS LIKE A SKELETON!” I couldn’t take the pain every time I looked in the mirror anymore, I feel as if though my aesthetics were the only way people offered help. I turned to social media to post sad things in hopes for guidance, and luckily for me; Teri got ahold of me.Like I said before, I was nervous as all hell to see these photos as it’s been over a year since I modeled, I have never been this thin in my life nor have I never not been able to recognize myself.I was nervous I wasn’t going to like what I saw, I was nervous for the feeling of disappointment my heart would carry if I stared into my own reflection and heard voices in the back of my mind ask if I was “OK”. BUT then I got the Dropbox. With sweaty palms and about two hours of convincing myself “fuck everyone else” over and over, I dove into the album. And ladies;It Was Glorious. That’s probably the first time I’ve taken pictures at this stage in my life (yes even selfies) and didn’t feel absolutely horrified to look at them! I even got a laugh out of a certain shot, because I’m so focused on my diameters I never even noticed the small beauty mark resting slightly above my knuckle on my middle finger. It’s like my SKIN is even saying “fuck everyone else”!As a model it’s my job to work with the team to create their masterpiece, and you can lose yourself (or your aesthetic) in those moments but I find it rewarding to make the vision a reality.Sometimes it’s crazy seeing yourself and being unrecognizable to your own reflection; but you end up learning new things to appreciate about your ever changing body, and it’s great to have this shoot and Teri to continue to burn that into our brains.I hope others are just as willing to see me as “Attieh who’s a wee bit thin right now” and not “Attieh is running to the bathroom to void the lunch she just ate”.If you haven’t already, link up with Teri. Even a few hours of her time can reopen your eyes.If you are interested in telling your story through powerful imagery and an empowering experience, send me an email!
You know how when your expecting a phone call with some “news” but you’re really unsure whether it’ll be “good” or “bad”?Well that’s exactly the kind of anxiety my stomach pitted into waiting for these photos...A quick tidbit - Teri and I have worked together for years and she’s ALWAYS made me beyond comfortable and ecstatic for the outcome. Being a part of her team gave me opportunities that I’d definitely shy away from without her previous support. I even began loving my birthday-suit over anything else I own, thanks to the #BoudyBabes!Anywhoo, back to before...For over a year I’ve been struggling towards the path of a healthy mentality. My previous job wore me down to feeling absolutely worthless, I began putting my boss’ needs above my own: all while being belittled for my efforts, ridiculed for having a mental illness, and mocked at my “lack of weight gain” (just to name a few).Even clients were starting to get super invasive and ask me things along the lines of “Oh my, you’re nothing! What does your doctor have to say??”(Guess what? My employer would just shrug it off.)So, young Attieh who’s already going through major changes in her life, (I finally came out to my family and the world in October!) is starting to feel the pressures of “looking healthy”.
So, my Portland trip seems like it was forever ago, but it was only in January! I went down to Portland with my bestie to explore and to meet up with some other photographers and models and create some magic! When Beth Olsen, you will see her a few times later on, from Alchemy Portraits suggested renting the "Deco Dreams" house on Airbnb I didn't even hesitate! It was like the 70s and 80s threw up all over in there. So I knew I had to find the perfect outfits for this aesthetic. I mean...if you are gonna go over the top, GO OVER THE TOP, mmmiright? So Miss 
: Gab
Miss S is quite the firecracker. When we first met she was a wee bit nervous about doing a boudoir session and the thought of getting nekid...but then she saw my metallic boots...and fur...and had one amazing time in the studio. This woman brought the fire to her session and was open to anything and everything. We laughed a lot during her shoot, but that didn't stop us from capturing the sultry vixen within. One of our signature outfits - the wet white tank top - has become kind of a tradition (so much that I just hoard a plethora of white tank tops in the studio)...but while the wet tank top is sexy af, it is the asking women to channel all of the negative shit they have ever said to themselves into it and then ripping it off their body that is truly therapeutic. It sounds silly, but adults don't get the opportunity to destroy stuff as much as they would probably like, so it's extremely cathartic. Just take a look at how much this session changed Miss S' life.
When I first saw a friend of mine’s boudoir photos by Teri I was blown away and cried. She had captured her essence. All I saw when I looked in the mirror was a tired, frumpy Mom, wife and coworker. I didn’t see me anymore and that’s when I decided I wanted to see myself how I had saw my friend. Stripped, vulnerable yet strong and amazing!!!
Although I wanted it, I hemmed and hawed about booking and then finally took the plunge. Once I paid I felt so scared like what have I done? Someone is going to see this body, the body even I don’t want to see. I let the fear build until I arrived at the studio. Once there and in that makeup chair, the nervousness was still there, but so was excitement. Hair and makeup was fabulous! I looked so glamorous! It was a change going from tomboy to Hollywood starlet. 
Once the makeup and the first outfit was on ,that’s when I started to get excited. Teri is amazing at giving directions and made the experience enjoyable! She really brought out my personality and adventurousness! I was ready to just go for it in no time! My favourite outfit piece were the silver boots and the faux fur coat! When I saw the boots I prayed they would fit because of their awesomeness. Everyone needs silver boots and a fur! 
The white sheet was actually very liberating. Loved it! I think the best part of the whole experience was ripping off my wet white tank as a way to rid myself of all the negative things I saw and say about my body. I have not said a negative thing about myself since.
My reveal was all I could have ever hoped for and more!!! I didn’t recognize myself and I was amazed at how many images of MYSELF that I loved!! Even nudes!! They were gorgeous. This was the best thing I have ever done for myself. I guess sometimes you have to strip things down to build them back up again. Thank you Teri for capturing my essence and helping me find myself and my happy.
Prior to Christmas, I took a fun trip down to Salt Lake City, Utah to visit some friends of mine and to partake in some photographic adventures! I first hung out with my friend Hailey whom I had met in NYC this past year at the Babetown workshop and we got along famously. We had an amazing time just chilling, eating American junk food, watching Glee, and visiting Target (TWICE!). It was good to just relax and Hailey even took me to the Reflection pond at the Joseph Smith Memorial in downtown SLC where we oohed and aaaahed at the twinkle lights. After drinking fish bowls of mojitos and eating our weight in tacos with Hailey's neighbor, I headed to hangout with my other buddy Chad of Faces Photography, also whom I had met in NYC at the Babetown workshop! Chad and I took a bit of a roadtrip outside of SLC to Bryce Canyon. We rented a cute airbnb (the selling factor for me was the ladder!) in the heart of the mountains, did some Facebook Live-ing for the Babetown crew, drank some Fireball (first time for me!), and enjoyed a gourmet meal of boxed taquitos. The next day, we met up with Chad's friend Kyle and our model KJ. They first stopped at our airbnb so we could partake in some of my usual style boudoir, but then we took to the red rocks of Bryce Canyon where we evaded tourists, braved the cold weather, and got some amazing shots. I am quite excited to go back to Utah (maybe in the spring or summer instead) so I can explore other gorgeous landscapes, but for my first visit it was quite amazing! I can now check Salt Lake City and Utah off the list of places I have never been before and that's pretty cool! Next time you see Chad and I getting into shenanigans will either be when I head to Atlanta or when we get together for the next Babetown workshop in Idaho! You can check out the brief video I made of our adventures, below:
Miss J submitted an amazing story to become a Glambassador and after I had the girls in my studio, there may have been some tears as she shared her past with us. This beautiful, brave, strong girl had a story so much like myself and I knew I had made the right decision in asking her to go through this experience. I am going to let her share her story with you because, well, she tells it much better than I ever could.
I remember sitting in the desks at school, and feeling my wide thighs leak over the sides of the chair. I remember being hunched over, grasping my belly into my hands, so mad at myself for being this way. Comparing myself to other girls was something I did every day, and every day I always came up short. I always wondered what I did wrong, why me… why did I have to be overweight. Why not her, or her? I was called fat and lazy and ugly so many times that those words didn’t even register after a while. I remember hating myself.
Throughout the years, I was bullied by everyone, but perhaps in a less direct, more subtle and more painful way. I would hear hollow statements from condescending sympathizers like, “oh, it’s what is on the inside that counts” or “but your face is so pretty” or “maybe if you lost like twenty pounds…” At the time, these comments made me angry, but I directed it towards myself, not others.
I hated being naked. I played sports and was quite active, which meant I had to change in front of others. I remember strategically planning my underwear and bra, to show as little as possible, arriving early to change, and being ashamed if anyone saw my belly. By now, there were bright red stretch marks everywhere. I avoided mirrors and especially pictures. I was good in sports, often considered one of the best defensemen on my Ringette team. I would have moments of excitement and pride, when I was able to stop goals or clear the zone. But that feeling never left. Sometimes I forgot about it, sure enough though, it would rear it’s ugly voice, reminding me that I am not good enough. Too fat. Too big. Too gross. Disgusting.
Years later, my body issues exploded into something far more complicated than I could have imagined. Infertility. Married, and ready to start a family, again, I was left wondering why me… why did this happen to me? I was (and am) so incredibly lucky to have such a supportive husband, who stood beside me, and we walked along my journey of infertility together. Still, my hatred for my body only grew, and never would I think I would be involved in boudoir. I did not like being naked. I hated being in a bathing suit. I did not own one piece of lingerie. It did not change for me until I became a Mom of four children in need of a safe and loving home. My daughter looked up to me, and I never wanted to make her feel like I felt. Over the course of a year, and with the help of surgery, I lost over one hundred pounds. Although this helped me keep up with my kids, I still had the ugly voice in my head, telling me I was not good enough. With a lot of work and support, I began to value myself.
I hear these amazing rewards from my children, when they talk about sticking up for heavier children who are bullied, or seeing a picture of me from before my weight loss, telling me I was just as beautiful as I am now, or that I am the same great Mom I always have been. They probably have no idea how much that means to me.
So when I found myself e-mailing Teri, telling her why I want to be a Glambassador, I honestly never thought that I would be considered. When she chose me though, I knew I was ready. The night before my shoot, I bought my first piece of lingerie. When I arrived, I was predictably nervous and worried. I was convinced I wouldn’t be able to pose properly, or that my face would look awkward. Sometimes it is so amazing to be wrong.
Teri was incredibly warm and welcoming. She explained the poses so well, and was patient when I was struggling to get in the right pose. Teri also said that not every picture will turn out great, but I will not see any unless they are. That really helped me let loose and go for it. It wasn’t long into the shoot when I was fully naked, lying on a bed, having photographs taken, and feeling completely comfortable. More than comfortable, I felt empowered, happy, and worthy.
The following week, I went into her studio again to have my reveal session. Of course I was nervous, not knowing how the pictures would turn out. During my slideshow, two things happened. I could not believe the muscles in my body, and how I looked from a different point of view. I had never seen myself from these perspectives, it was incredible. The second thing that happened, was I noticed my stretch marks. I noticed their white, wiggly lines trace my belly, arms, and breasts. For the first time in my life, these lines were celebrated.
I did not feel ashamed. I loved myself more that day. I continue the battle that most women face, to love themselves and feel worthy. Teri definitely contributed to my self-worth in a fun, creative, and powerful way.
Perhaps the best part, after I went through with Teri which photos were keepers, I got to share them with some of my close friends and my partner. It only gave me more reassurance and confidence to see their reactions, affirmations, and amazement. And just like that, the conversation changed from, “you have a pretty face” to “wow, you are beautiful” to “I am beautiful.” That last leap was in part because of Teri, and her remarkable ability to take women of all shapes, sizes, backgrounds, and insecurities and make them feel beautiful.
Miss J opened up big time for her session and she exuded such...confidence and strength in her photos, and it wasn't because of her body, but rather because of the self work that she has done over the past few years to truly start to love herself for WHO she is rather than WHAT she looks like.