Leading up to summer, a colleague of mine, Boon Ong of Figuratif by Boon, and I were comparing our shooting styles. I commemorated him on his ability to achieve such intimacy, such confident quietness into his work and while he was struggling to find more "SEXY", I was having a hard time slowing down, and just flowing and being. It's interesting when you look at your work through someone else's eyes and I know that my work is standardly strong, voyeuristic, and a tad cheeky, I have been lacking a certain slowness....like, if I slow down then something unexpected might happen, then what? And if you have met me, I am like a horse chomping at the bit and raring to go with all my pent up energy. When I shoot it is no different, I jump around from location to location, outfit to outfit like there's not enough time in the day. And while this works for efficiency and the way I create, it's always fun to challenge oneself because within that challenge, I will be able to grow and maybe see some new inspiration where I was afraid it might NOT be. In any case, both Boon and I set out to attempt a different vibe in a shoot, each channeling the other and while he embraced a bit of sexuality and sensuality into his intimate work, I slowed down, thought about composition and used my babe in ways that I normally wouldn't. I did less poses designed to elicit sexuality, but instead focused more on intimate existence...if that makes sense. The deadline was my birthday and well, today is that day. For me, I paid attention to hands, I worked on elongating the neck, I looked at the lines in the location and I worked with the ambient light that I had. I played with light differently than I usually do and I looked for things that I normally am moving too quickly to notice. So, thank you Boon, for inspiring me to slow down, move with my client and I can only hope that I am capable of channeling even a little bit of your stillness and beauty in my work.Model: BeccaHair & Makeup: Erin Marie ArtistryLingerie: The Shops At The Loft
Stephanie {Pittsburgh Travel Diaries} ~ International Boudoir Photographer
Every now and then you meet the people that are just....your people, you know? Well, little did I know when I went to a Boudoir Retreat in San Fransisco that I would meet 2 of my kindred spirits. I have already introduced you to Paige, so today I will be sharing the other bad ass babe with you, but I want to start with our initial in person meeting because it's super cute. So, I had arrived to Denise Birdsong's Modern Love studio for my photoshoot the same day that Stephanie and Paige were also having their sessions done, so I had quickly met Paige while she was in makeup and Stephanie was just wrapping up her session when she walked past me in the waiting area. All I heard was "Omigodiloveyourposingguidehiiiiiiiiii" and with a little hand wave she disappeared. We joke that her fangirling over me was one of the funniest moments we shared together and I know I will definitely never forget it. Throughout the weekend, however, Stephanie, Paige and I just bonded with each other. We had similar sense of humour, we vibed with each others' energy, and we managed to get our poor male model to wear nothing but a hand towel (#handtowelheroes). We were so sad when the weekend came to an end and as soon as we got home we started making plans for our next meet up and before you know it, August was here and we all met at Stephanie's house for a few days. We had such an incredible time hanging out, drinking wine, photographing models and then photographing each other (oh! and they took me to Target, yay!) We laughed until our tums hurt, we cried about our life experiences and we helped build each other up. This is what I love about #communityovercompetition in photography. When you find your people, hang onto them and hold them tight because entrepreneurship is lonely as fuck and you will need some trustworthy peeps in your corner when you need to have a bit of a breakdown. So, for Stephanie's shoot we decided to channel more of a retro vibe and styling, thanks to Dessa Marie Artistry, and while we started in her studio, I wasn't about to leave her gorgeous character home without shooting in it, so we pulled together a few amazing looks for there as well. So, without further adieu, here is Miss Stephanie in all her beauty, glory, and magnificance. I love her sooooo much.
"I had the privilege of meeting Teri at a workshop and was instantly attracted to her fizzy fuzzy bubbly personality. I’ve followed her work and each and every time, I have found myself impressed if not in total awe. Her work is incredibly sexy and raw. She was so much fun to be with that I could see her models not even spending a moment in their heads. By the close of the workshop we had made plans to collaborate further.
It is quite the faux pas as a boudoir photographer to have not put yourself in your clients shoes. Just like my own clients, my fears and my insecurities about my body run deep. My session with Teri wasn’t about fear or insecurity. It felt an awful lot like Teri herself, fizzy fuzzy and bubbly.When I hold the finished product in my hand,I literally can’t even :)I look at these photos and I can hardly believe it is me!
I was there, I remember getting all dolled up, I remember posing but what I don’t remember is any concern about my body. Not a fear about how I looked or most importantly, as a photographer; not a worry about the actual photograph. There wasn’t any time to worry about my body because I was already having too much fun. Teri’s energy and direction easily overrode my insecurities.
Now I get to look at images of myself and see sexy and raw. It isn’t just something reserved for someone else. That feeling, that experience and the pride is now mine as well. And I can’t stop staring!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Dayum, Teri.
Natalya {San Francisco Travel Diaries} ~ Winnipeg Boudoir Photographer
Natalya was one of the babes at the Stripped Down Retreat that is an incredible chameleon. This little beauty is full of sugar and spice and can go from looking sweet and innocent to saucy af in a blink. I didn't have as much time to work with her, alas, because she was the model used for my one on one, but we still managed to grab some beautiful images. Her features brought to mind a sort of dame from the 20s who gave no fucks about the men she left behind...or at least that was the story I created for her. Without further adieu, here's Natalya.
Calvine {San Francisco Travel Diaries} ~ Winnipeg Boudoir Photographer
Over the next week and so I am going to release the images that I captured while in San Francisco, learning and getting inspired by one of my mentors: Denise Birdsong, owner of Modern Love Photography & Stripped Down. First up is the beautiful and captivating Miss Calvine. This little beauty is French and gave me every emotion I ask for, but more importantly she has the sweetest and kindest aura ever. See below for the gorgeousness that is Miss Calvine.
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Diet Culture Can Go F*CK Itself~ Winnipeg Boudoir Photography
I have to admit something.......even though I am big believer in BODY POSITIVITY, I haven't been very positive to my body...
Being an entrepreneur is hard...especially when you are one who likes to keep busy and never stop working, but within the entrepreneur life it is easy to lose track of oneself...and this is what happened to me. You see, having a business is like having a baby in that it requires constant love, passion, and dedication. You never fully sleep because you are always thinking about it, you never fully eat because you are busy moving from one thing to the next, your brain never shuts off, and you lost track of what it means to be a human...and to be honest, I wouldn't change this for the world...if my health would just be okay with that. As I get older it's harder to maintain this delicious body of mine and the stress I put it under makes it difficult too. I don't eat healthy (or sometimes at all), I don't exercise (aside from pushing furniture around my studio), and I sit A LOT (like I am now, writing this blog post.) and while I acknowledge this is part of being an entrepreneur, I also know it can change if I want it to. Maybe my definition of success should start to include me having a healthy blood sugar and not having to take naps in the afternoon...
So I started to think about why I was "afraid" to eat healthy and exercise and finally I realized it: I HAD BEEN DAMAGED BY DIET CULTURE.Every time I would start an exercise class or start to eat clean, my brain would go on autopilot and immediately thoughts of "I wonder how much weight I will lose" or "Calories in vs. calories out/measureable outcomes" began to consume me, so I would shut down....I would shut down because I had been here before, when I was mentally unhealthy at my lowest weight. I realized I needed to change the outcome attached to the activity (whether eating or working out) and while it sounds easy enough to do, it really isn't. It's easy to say "just focus on movement for movement sake" but in the back of my head, there is still that stupid fucking voice telling me "but maybe you will lose weight..." like it's the only thing keeping me going to the class or activity...and I hate every part of that. Diet culture has ingrained so much self-loathing and punishment into every "exercise" activity, that we are trained to look for measurable outcomes like weight or inch loss or else what is the point? When these aren't achieved we feel like fucking failures and then hate ourselves even more and I DO NOT want to go back there. Ever. In fact, the other day I went for a walk and forgot my pedometer and felt like a piece of shit because I couldn't measure my "success"...whether or not I had it with me I still walked the same distance, but I didn't have evidence...so did I really??? So I had to have a talk with myself about how silly I was being and be a wee bit compassionate towards myself that I am a work in progress. The mind fuck that is diet culture needs to take advice from the first 3 letters of it's name and just DIE.
Here's what you need to know about me, however....if I could eat right for me, move for the sake of movement and I was still fat, I would be FINE with that. I truly do not detest my body shape or size...I have overcome that, but now I have to shift my thinking from diet culture to thinking of my body as a biological machine that has needs for me to have energy, sleep right, and live the life that I want in all capacities. I don't want to worry about heart attacks, strokes, and blindness because of my poor eating habits and lack of movement....because I already have enough to worry about with my business.
So, I attended The Body Image Conference in Toronto put on by the National Eating Disorder Institute of Canada. Originally I had signed up to learn more to help my boudoir and Body Image Bootcamp clients, but by the second day I realized that I was learning more about myself and what shifts need to happen. One of the workshops I took was about Dialectical Behaviour Therapy (DBT) and I was impressed by with the adjustment of a single word it changed the way I felt. For example, I normally would say: "I love my body, BUT I need to eat right and exercise." The BUT in that sentence then negates the fact that I love my body....however, if we make this small adjustment: "I love my body, AND I need to eat right and exercise" It totally changes the feel to the sentence, saying that both things are true. I DO love my body AND I DO need to eat right and exercise. It is small shifts like this, that I know will slowly change my feels. Just like changing my mindset from hating my body to loving and accepting it, I have to do that with fueling it. The biggest impact of that conference, however, was meeting with Dr. Linda Bacon, creator of the HAES (Health At Every Size) principles which essentially helped me to understand that all bodies require different sustenance to work at peak performance (Did you know that some brains require more fat, so as a result your body may need to keep more fat on it??) She describes these principles as a new "Peace Movement" towards working towards a HEALTHY life, not necessarily a thinner one. I bought her book "Body Respect" and am taking it all in. I love the science-y stuff, but also the compassion that comes through.
Unfortunately, nowadays, the diet industry has clamped on hard to the body positivity movement to use it for it's own gain and if you have picked up the latest Weight Watchers magazine, you will see what I mean. They spout words like body positive, empowerment, and self love....while also telling you to count your calories, check your BMI (which is complete bullshit), and limit your foods and showing "miraculous transformations" of sad befores and happyily ever afters. So bopo-culture is becoming extremely watered down and making it more difficult to determine what is right for you...which is why I have a hard time falling back into an actual healthy routine...I am afraid I will become obsessed like I was once before. I never realized the toll that my previous 100lbs weightloss would have on my mental capacity. It's like I did everything (worked out 6 hrs/day & ate the same thing every day) or nothing (binge watch Netflix & eat grilled cheese and take out at every opportunity), so I am in the process of finding that balance now....and I will: Just like the self love, body love also takes time and mindfulness to rewire the brain.
Why am I sharing this journey with you? Because I want you to know that body positivity has to include more than just lovely photos of babely tummies on the internet...it has to include eating right BECAUSE you love your body and want it to work the best it can, regardless if this means weight loss or not. It has to incorporate PRO-HEALTH fitness regimes that focus on making your body be efficient, instead of just "How much weight do you want to lose?" "What is your size goal?" etc. These wellness places have to be inclusive of all body types, shapes, sizes, and capabilities and not give them all the same goal of weightloss. Body positivity has to mean more than just the shape and size of bodies and it has to include gender, color, and how you experience the world. Another interesting tidbit I took away from the conference was learning that "not all bodies are good bodies" because if someone is transgender, I am certain they feel that the body they were born into isn't a good body...BUT, what I did learn is that "all bodies are VALUABLE bodies". So regardless of where someone is in their journey to self love, they have to recognize that their body is valuable because it allows them to experience the world in all it's capacity. Without a body you wouldn't be able to read this, without a body you wouldn't be able to tell your story, without a body you wouldn't be able to hug and kiss your babies, etc. MY body is valuable, YOUR body is valuable and now it's time for me to treat this body like the priceless organism that it is.(All of these beautiful photos are courtesy of the amazing Denise Birdsong of Modern Love Photography taken in San Francisco)