This is one post I have been dying to share with you. Miss S met up with me in Vegas and it was destiny! She told her man friend that she was going to be "doing makeup" for one of my boudoir clients (which she was...as she did her own makeup) and so he dropped her off at my suite at the MGM Grand. After he said goodbye, Miss S and I got to work. MAN! This girl could pose and work her face like nobody's business. I knew that she was no stranger to the stage, so that definitely helped her when it came to taking direction. In my mind, this was one of my best shoots to date. Everything was amazing. So, you can imagine my reaction when I received her testimonial telling me that she "hated her photos". What. The. Fuck. Where had I gone wrong? Could she not see what I did? Could she not see how amazing she did? How confident she looked, how she posed and how she rocked her shoot? Unfortunately, she could not. And this is the part where my heart broke into a thousand pieces. I always tell clients that a boudoir session is not the "quick fix" to repairing a negative body image, but it does help in getting there. It takes clients like Miss S to remind me that there is still so much work to be done. It mostly hurts my heart and my soul to hear these wonderful women disregard themselves and pick themselves apart when they are so much more than just those bits. Anyhow, I am going to let Miss S. take you on the journey of her feels for the rest of the blog post.
My photo shoot with Teri was an eye opening experience. I'd been talking myself into boudoir photos for ages and was hiding behind the "in 5 more lbs" and "when I'm more toned" mentality. When she posted that she was going to be in Vegas and it happened to coincide with when my husband and I were going to be there I took the Universe's hint and finally booked.
To be honest taking the actual photos was the easy part for me; I've spent most of my life in performance and so I actually found being directed and photographed pretty easy. Before I knew it we were done and I left feeling surprised with myself at how well I had done. As the days drew nearer to my reveal I started to get anxious.
The anxiety I'd expected to feel pre-shoot. It's one thing to have my picture taken and walk away, it's another to look at them. Finally the day came and my husband sat in awe as we looked through all my photos. We chose our package and left and I kept my opinion to myself but if we're being honest: I hated them.
Teri says to look at the photos as if it were a best friend but I just couldn't. Staring back at me was every blaring imperfection. Every bump, soft spot, pore, you name it. The photos didn't feel like me: I'm not sexy. At all. It was awkward for me but I didn't want to say anything. People always post about how empowered they feel after a reveal and it made me feel awful. I felt like I'd failed Teri. (She didn't btw)
Almost immediately after my reveal my cat got sick and the money we'd put aside for the album was used for her. So, very slowly (and without my husbands knowledge) I paid it off with the idea that I would give it to my hubby for his birthday. I felt disappointed in myself for not working harder before the shoot but a commitment is a commitment. I received the album 2ish weeks before the birthday and kept it at work so my husband wouldn't find it.
Everyday I took a second to flip through the album and challenged myself to find one or two photos I liked. By the time I gave it to my husband I was feeling the tiniest pang of excitement over them. At the very least, looking at them doesn't make me feel uncomfortable anymore.
I want to be clear about something: this is why we need Teri (and women like her). Her artistry is amazing, her eye is impeccable. She's not only a master of her craft but she's loving and supportive in a way I've never experienced. Me not liking my photos has absolutely zero to do with her and everything to do with how I see myself. While this photo shoot didn't change how I view my reflection in a massive way, every time I look through my album a crack shows up in that mirror.
I look forward to my next shoot with Teri (and I'm determined there will be a next time) so that over time I will be able to feel as beautiful and sexy as those photos make me seem. If you've every considered a boudy shoot do it. Message this gorgeous gal and just do it. It may not seem like it but that album was a life changing moment for me and while I may not be feeling like the bombshell she keeps telling me I am, I'm convinced that there will be a day when I sit down for a reveal and go "holy fuck, I look hot".Women like Miss S are why I do what I do and do it with such passion. I applaud her honesty and sharing her story because I want future clients to know that if they do not see themselves as they are in the photos, to tell me about it. I will not be upset. I am confident enough in my work to know that I created some awesome images, BUT it is important to me that we talk through feelings of self-doubt, insecurities, and body image issues. In addition to the photography, my studio is a safe place for us to discuss your body image and feels and if you don't feel like you match the images, that is something we definitely need to chat about because I want to help with the journey. After a variety of projects, I also realize that repetition and exposure to images makes people see themselves in a more positive way. A lot of times women have already made up their mind that they are going to hate their photos....BEFORE They even see them, so of course they are going to be uncomfortable with them. BUT my experience has proven that repeated viewing of the images makes individuals start to see themselves a bit more like the rest of the world does. The stop zeroing in on the "flaws" and start seeing the bigger picture. I wanted to share Miss S' story and testimonial because I think it is important for people to understand how boudoir does and doesn't help. While it is not the end all to be all in terms of body positivity (that requires constant practice), it is a fabulous place to start to, as Miss S put it, start "putting cracks in the mirror" of how you see yourself.